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Hugging
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/24/2014
What, if any, is the scientific value of hugging?
———- from Leo Buscaglia of Echo Park
Oh, come on. Hugging is for wimps and people who don’t spend enough time on-line. A real man either kisses his opponent – or ignores her. Hugging is a posture of defeat employed by the timid to placate bold and lusty types into leaving them be. Scientists never hug anything or anybody, especially each other. They rarely shake hands. Most of the time one scientist will acknowledge another by a nod of the head and a stiff “Good Morning, Professor.” Anything more and he’s running the risk of being thought of as a wimp. In my book, anyone who even touches another person belongs in that category. Hugging? What’s next? A membership drive?
Oh, come on. Hugging is for wimps and people who don’t spend enough time on-line. A real man either kisses his opponent – or ignores her. Hugging is a posture of defeat employed by the timid to placate bold and lusty types into leaving them be. Scientists never hug anything or anybody, especially each other. They rarely shake hands. Most of the time one scientist will acknowledge another by a nod of the head and a stiff “Good Morning, Professor.” Anything more and he’s running the risk of being thought of as a wimp. In my book, anyone who even touches another person belongs in that category. Hugging? What’s next? A membership drive? Sleeping Problems
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/21/2014
Do you ever get so wound up that you can’t sleep at night? You know, just thinking about the same stuff over and over, regretting things, feeling kind of sorry for yourself. What do you do when that happens?
———- from Susan H. of Minneapolis, MN
I’m glad you shared. There are some things which, if allowed to fester inside of us, can cause insanity or death. The process you’ve described is one of those things. You have to talk about it or it just gets worse. And then where are you? Groggy and insane. And dying. Gee, there are times when it seems like it’s 3 o’clock in the morning all over the world. A cold wind blows off the prairie. It seems to say, “What’s the use,anyway?” These are the times when we all need Science the most. That’s when I start number crunching and, believe me, keep crunching until dawn. Then a cup of hot java, a splash of water in the face, and I’m OK. Until the night falls and I start all over again… So thanks for writing and getting me to talk about all this. It helped, it really did.
I’m glad you shared. There are some things which, if allowed to fester inside of us, can cause insanity or death. The process you’ve described is one of those things. You have to talk about it or it just gets worse. And then where are you? Groggy and insane. And dying. Gee, there are times when it seems like it’s 3 o’clock in the morning all over the world. A cold wind blows off the prairie. It seems to say, “What’s the use,anyway?” These are the times when we all need Science the most. That’s when I start number crunching and, believe me, keep crunching until dawn. Then a cup of hot java, a splash of water in the face, and I’m OK. Until the night falls and I start all over again… So thanks for writing and getting me to talk about all this. It helped, it really did. Appalling PhD
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/19/2014
How dare you call yourself a doctor? The purpose of a Ph.D. is to lend moral force to any statement you care to make, even if it has nothing to do with your area of competence. As a real doctor, I am appalled, frankly. I hope you end up in radio prison or as spam in Internet hell.
———- from Dr. H. of PhD, Cambridge, MA
I call myself Doctor, doctor, because it’s my legal name. As for radio prison, that’s just a myth perpetuated by the FCC to keep disc jockeys in line. Most radio personalities live in mortal fear of the radio police, but I’m not so easily frightened. The FCC think they can regulate the nation’s airwaves and Congress thinks it’s the rulemaker of the Internet, both of them acting like a king commanding the waves of the ocean. Well, the truth is a tiger inside me, and I shall continue to release that tiger. Because I’m more frightened of a tiger in the ocean than the radio police. Sure, it’s a mixed metaphor, but I call ’em like I see ’em, doctor.
I call myself Doctor, doctor, because it’s my legal name. As for radio prison, that’s just a myth perpetuated by the FCC to keep disc jockeys in line. Most radio personalities live in mortal fear of the radio police, but I’m not so easily frightened. The FCC think they can regulate the nation’s airwaves and Congress thinks it’s the rulemaker of the Internet, both of them acting like a king commanding the waves of the ocean. Well, the truth is a tiger inside me, and I shall continue to release that tiger. Because I’m more frightened of a tiger in the ocean than the radio police. Sure, it’s a mixed metaphor, but I call ’em like I see ’em, doctor. Never Promised You A Beer Garden
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/17/2014
How do I go about growing a beer garden? Can I grow one in Oregon or is the climate too darned wet?
———- from Dennis Ades of Beaverton, OR
Beer may not grow on trees, but it does come from the ground, somewhat like a potato. You can grow fine beer anywhere. It’s simple. Just detach a poptop or bottle cap and plant it. Growing time varies from brand to brand – most only grow on weekends, or what scientists call “Miller Time”, named for the famed Artesian Bud Miller. Artesians, contrary to popular belief, did not invent beer; they merely introduced the drink to the Americas. The actual Artesian drink of choice is cheap red wine, and lots of it. My mother used to tell me that Artesians invented Velcro, but that story today has been largely discredited.
Beer may not grow on trees, but it does come from the ground, somewhat like a potato. You can grow fine beer anywhere. It’s simple. Just detach a poptop or bottle cap and plant it. Growing time varies from brand to brand – most only grow on weekends, or what scientists call “Miller Time”, named for the famed Artesian Bud Miller. Artesians, contrary to popular belief, did not invent beer; they merely introduced the drink to the Americas. The actual Artesian drink of choice is cheap red wine, and lots of it. My mother used to tell me that Artesians invented Velcro, but that story today has been largely discredited. Room for Jello
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/14/2014
Why is there always room for Jello?
———- from Mike P. of Valparaiso, IN
The technical term for Jello, I believe is 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a collodial mucous base. Early attempts to promote sales of the colorful and somewhat tasty product failed to catch on, perhaps because of the slogan “There’s always room for 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a collodial mucous base.” Then they hired a copywriter to coin a catchier phrase for the product; the rest is history. Incidentally, our former commmanders-in-chief learned a lesson from this renaming. No longer do we have the MX missle; we have the Peacekeeper. So whether it’s food or nuclear weapons, renaming a product makes unpleasant reality go down a little bit easier. Kind of like a midwestern family reunion potluck.
The technical term for Jello, I believe is 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a collodial mucous base. Early attempts to promote sales of the colorful and somewhat tasty product failed to catch on, perhaps because of the slogan “There’s always room for 2,2,4 Trimethylpentane in a collodial mucous base.” Then they hired a copywriter to coin a catchier phrase for the product; the rest is history. Incidentally, our former commmanders-in-chief learned a lesson from this renaming. No longer do we have the MX missle; we have the Peacekeeper. So whether it’s food or nuclear weapons, renaming a product makes unpleasant reality go down a little bit easier. Kind of like a midwestern family reunion potluck. 