Ask Dr. Science!

Natural Hatred of Vacuums

Rick — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 18:38:57 +0000

Why does nature hate a vacuum?

———- from ? of The Internet

Nature hates a lot of things and, actually, a vacuum is far down the list — behind perpetual motion machines and lemon-lime flavorings. The older Creation gets, the crankier Nature becomes. Some say that Nature has simply lost her joie de vivre and is looking to spend her Autumn years railing against a long list of modern developments and voting against school bond issues. Nature’s first vacuum cleaner was an old upright Hoover. It lasted 50 years. Nowadays, it’s tough to find one of these new plastic machines that’ll make it five. Nature hates that, and come to think of it, I’m not too happy about that, either.

Dual Musicianship

Dr. Science — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:34:08 +0000

I’ve noticed there is a strong similarity between the music of Chuck Berry and Elmore James. Likewise, Elvis Presley’s earlier works bear a striking resemblance to the wailings of Arthur “Big Boy” Crudup. Could it be that these various people were only fictitious realites and that the same musician was playing under two different names?

———- from Be Bop Helland of Chicago IL

You’re onto something, Be Bop. Something big. I’m not sure we should be talking about this on the Internet or a national radio program, even though it’s only public radio. Few industry types ever get this far down to the left of the dial or surf beyond their own vanity sites. But getting back to your conspiracy theory, yes, of course, you’ve pegged it. Everyone knows that Sonny and Cher were actually the same person, but few realize that Jan and Dean were both the Everly Bros. and the Righteous Brothers! And it’s small wonder the Four Freshman, Four Seasons and Four Suns (or was it Three?) were never onstage at the same time. Continue listening, but keep a pen and paper handy. What you write down could break the back of the music industry as we know it.

Alphabetical Orders

Dr. Science — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 18:29:11 +0000

Why is the alphabet in that order?

———- from Steven Station of Bloomington MN

It’s because of the song. Never underestimate the music industry’s effect on the rest of us. Some tin pan alley hack writes a catchy tune, and every library in western civilization has to organize all entries to the whims of some whiney songwriter. I know it doesn’t make logical sense…but what does, especially when you’re dealing with popular culture? I think the song’s popularity comes from its sing-song nature, so understandable and easy to remember. Market to kids, and adults will follow. Every fast food restaurant knows that, and now even the librarians do, too.

Pigeon Toes

Dr. Science — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 18:28:53 +0000

Why do they call it pigeontoed? Every pigeon I’ve ever seen has walked perfectly straight!

———- from Sari Henry of Washington DC (via email)

There simply is no society for the defamation of pigeons. For a while ducks and poultry had one, funded by a tax on cartoon characters, but the interest group crumbled when the FCC relaxed their rulings on Saturday morning programming (hmm…anyone out there remember my series on Fox in 1987-88?). The fact is, Sari, the squeaky wheel gets the grease and the butt of any joke is usually the one who least deserves to be laughed at. Being the evolutionary offspring of intimate contact betwen rats and escaped parakeets, pigeons have many disgusting personal attributes which, in this observer’s opinion, deserve ridicule….but walking isn’t one of them.

Zadar! Available Again

Rodney — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:41:32 +0000

We’re happy to report that we got a new shipment of DVD’s here at Dr. Science’s Fortress of Arrogance. We’re now fully stocked with copies of Zadar! Cow From Hell. What the heck is that, you say? It’s the full-length feature comedy created by Dr. Science and his compatriots, Duck’s Breath Mystery Theatre. It’s a campy, absurdist cult favorite concerning a Hollywood movie crew that invades Iowa to make a low-budget thriller. You’ll love it. Order a copy for your library of late night laugh films here.

Fur and Hair

Dr. Science — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:28:25 +0000

What’s the difference between hair and fur?

———- from Wendy Gronbeck of Windham IA

When fur is wet, it stinks. Hair keeps growing even when it’s thinning. Fur just falls out in clumps, leaving a mangy patch. Human hair can be harvested and turned into expensive wigs. Most fur that is harvested ends up as an unidentified filler in cheap furniture. Both hair and fur have their imitators. The best of these is the miracle fiber “Dynel”, which can be spun to resemble human hair, crocodile scales, prosthetic limbs and that ultra-flexible garden hose. Years ago, I have all my hair removed and replaced iwth a continous filament of Dynel. Never needs to be washed or cut and wipes clean with a damp sponge.

The Universe from Scratch

Dr. Science — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:27:39 +0000

What is the probaility of assembling the universe from scratch assuming one by ten to the eightieth atoms scattered in random order?

———- from Mike Hoban of Bear DE

Imagine, if you will, a fly playing pinochole on the rump of a horse. The horse is frightened by the backfire from a truck and runs wildly through his pasture, eventually leaping the fence, running to the neighbors’ house, across their lawn, through the French doors and into the dining room of an elderly woman who is trying to remember the name of her first lover, a French truck driver with a horsey face who loved to play pinochole and had a problem keeping his fly zipped. If that can happen, then your little proposal is a shoe-in.

The Expanding Universe

Dr. Science — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 18:26:59 +0000

If the Universe is expanding, just exactly what is it expanding into?

———- from ? of The Internet

Right now, it’s at the end of a long strip mall, with a fast food restaurant on every block. There’s an Industrial Park at the very edge, and a sewage treatment plant just beyond the landfill. That’s the known edge of the Universe so far, but you never know what developers will come up with next! It all depends on housing pressure. Housing pressure is easily determined. Take the number of people who live in, say, your galaxy. Multiply by the average salary. Now divide by the average rent or monthly mortgage payment. If the number you get is less than Avogadro’s Number, then you can expect a few more really ugly housing projects, then another strip mall and eventually more sewage treatment plants. That’s why they call it Progress!

Tim Allen Fame

Dr. Science — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 18:24:40 +0000

Why is Tim Allen so darned famous? He just seems like a normal guy. Don’t you have to do something to be famous?

———- from Mara Nesbitt of Portland OR

Not in this country. Especially on television, all you have to do is be yourself. That’s hard to do when there’s an entire crew of bored technicians glaring at you from behind the lights. Yes, in order to act naturally on TV, you most probably have to be “on something.” In most cases, it’s a mixture of chromium picolinate, selenium and yohimbew, the wonder aphrodesiac that’s sold in drugstores everywhere. Catalysed by many cups of densely brewed coffee, these natural substances course through the bloodstream, urging your repressed portions to express themselves. They do, and you’re able to “act naturally” with complete confidence. The camera loves you. America loves you. It’s that simple, Mara.

Ice Cream Headaches

Dr. Science — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:22:04 +0000

Why do we get headaches when we eat ice cream too fast?

———- from On Line and Munchy of Seattle (where we miss you on radio)

What you’re describing may be the first signs of a brain tumor. Does this happen every time you eat ice cream or just on hot summer days? On the other hand, you may simply have an eating disorder and be the kind of gal or guy who likes to inhale food. Join the club . I can get through dinner and dessert in less time than it takes to serve it. Getting back to the brain tumor theory, though… Do you often smell burning rubber when there’s none around? When you close your eyes, do you see the image of Howdy Doody and hear strange music in the distance that sounds like Perry Como singing Ina-Gada-Da-Vida? If so, join the club.