———- from Master Mind of West Los Angeles, CA
I’d call it Hugh Downs. The man who’s spent more time in front of a TV camera than any other human on earth, Mr. Downs is often voted ‘The person most often mistaken for Durwood Kirby,’ yet he appears weekly with Barbara Walters and doesn’t seem to mind the fact that she’s not Gary Moore. I guess I’m just showing my age by tossing off these references to television’s dark past, but time means nothing to Hugh Downs, who received his doctorate in Gerontology just a few years back. Heck, if you’re going to be broadcasting’s oldest functioning work horse, you might as well study the science of aging in your spare time.
———- from Jingde Chu of Perth, Australia
As ocean depth increases, temperature decreases. The speed of sound decreases to a certain depth, then increases, offsetting the temperature decrease, until equilibrium is established and nothing has changed. In this way, ocean depth is much like political or economic progress. Much changes for a while, but in the long run, everything is the same and you’re in a little deeper. Unfortunately, it’s harder to get back to where you started, where everything’s the same, only different.
What can be done to block UV rays besides cloth and sun screen? Is there a gaseous substance that could be generated here on earth that would protect us from our depleted ozone layer?
———- from David Troness of Chandler, AZ
Freon is such a gaseous substance and, although displaced by animal flatulence and banned by misinformed enviro-nazis, it’s still the best hope we have against UV death. It has a pleasant lemony scent and when sprayed through a nozzle it dissolves soap scum, fights mildew, and deodorizes even the most offensive sneakers. No, we’re all going to be burnt to a crisp by UV radiation unless we get smart and let Freon back into our lives. All the PABA in creation is just going to add grease to the fire.
Is it true that all cockroaches are male? If so, is that why I can’t kill them in my microwave oven?
———- from John Janssen of Dallas, TX
If you want cockroaches that are really crisp and tasty, as well as dead, then you need to use a combination microwave and convection oven. Don’t bother using large doses of radioactivity, because cockroaches are immune to that sort of thing, though there are some cockroach fanciers who think a large dose of alpha rays does improve taste, imparting a ‘nutty’ flavor. There’s a female a capella group called ‘The Roaches’, but they aren’t true roaches, just women with a chip on their shoulder and a gripe against Louden Wainwright, Jr.
How come on a 12oz can of diet coke, the serving size is ‘one can’, which is 12oz, but on a 20 oz bottle of the same beverage, there are 2.5 servings per bottle, making the serving size 8 oz.?
———- from Jackie Klem of Arlington, VA