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Sun Status
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/16/2012
How long do we have until the sun burns out? Do we still need the sun? I’ve heard it causes skin cancer.
———- from Dan Davis of Portland, OR
You’re right, the sun is superfluous. This redundant source of heat and light is simply an annoyance now that we have atomic energy harnessed to fill our every energy need. The real question now is what do we do with the sun? We can’t just blow it up, for the sun itself is a massive thermonuclear explosion, not to mention the fact that it’s millions of miles away. This scientist suggests installing a huge disk in space, one that can effectively block solar radiation from hitting the planet. Then we can take all the nuclear waste we’ve been keeping underwater and hidden in concrete bunkers and bring it to the surface, where it belongs. In one fell swoop, sunburn and nuclear storage problems will be a thing of the past! Yahoo!
You’re right, the sun is superfluous. This redundant source of heat and light is simply an annoyance now that we have atomic energy harnessed to fill our every energy need. The real question now is what do we do with the sun? We can’t just blow it up, for the sun itself is a massive thermonuclear explosion, not to mention the fact that it’s millions of miles away. This scientist suggests installing a huge disk in space, one that can effectively block solar radiation from hitting the planet. Then we can take all the nuclear waste we’ve been keeping underwater and hidden in concrete bunkers and bring it to the surface, where it belongs. In one fell swoop, sunburn and nuclear storage problems will be a thing of the past! Yahoo! Telephone Cords
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/14/2012
Why do telephone cords coil clockwise?
———- from Joan Kozik of Cedar Rapids, IA
I could get away with saying that all telephone cords are manufactured in the northern hemisphere, but that would ignore the reality of 200 million Brazilian, Argentinean and Australian telephone cords. So, I’ll tell you the real reason which is that voice transmissions only travel in a counterclockwise spiral. It has to do with the way the larynx attaches to the throat. Sonic vibrations are sent spinning from ligaments that connect clockwise and any attempt to re-direct this transmission induces phase cancellation. All you hear is a bored male voice telling you to hang up the phone and try your call later.
I could get away with saying that all telephone cords are manufactured in the northern hemisphere, but that would ignore the reality of 200 million Brazilian, Argentinean and Australian telephone cords. So, I’ll tell you the real reason which is that voice transmissions only travel in a counterclockwise spiral. It has to do with the way the larynx attaches to the throat. Sonic vibrations are sent spinning from ligaments that connect clockwise and any attempt to re-direct this transmission induces phase cancellation. All you hear is a bored male voice telling you to hang up the phone and try your call later. Peanut Shells
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/11/2012
Why do peanut shells have dents?
———- from Bob Pease of Pacifica, CA
They didn’t use to. Then our quality control standards went the same way our high school graduation and standardized test scores went, straight down the sewer. Who operates that sewer and where it leads is anybody’s guess. There are some who just chalk it up to entropy, but I think the fact that we’ll now accept dented peanuts as somehow “normal” says a lot more about the erosion of values in this country than it does about peanuts. Sure, smooth peanuts probably still exist, but they’re only served on certain tables in our nation’s capitol, if you get my drift.
They didn’t use to. Then our quality control standards went the same way our high school graduation and standardized test scores went, straight down the sewer. Who operates that sewer and where it leads is anybody’s guess. There are some who just chalk it up to entropy, but I think the fact that we’ll now accept dented peanuts as somehow “normal” says a lot more about the erosion of values in this country than it does about peanuts. Sure, smooth peanuts probably still exist, but they’re only served on certain tables in our nation’s capitol, if you get my drift. Jello Food Group
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/09/2012
What food group is Jello in?
———- from Cousin Jack of Mt. Vernon, Iowa
Jello, of course, is a brand name. The general term describing Jello and its pale imitators is “artificially flavored gelatin dessert.” The food group these exist in is called “food by-products and food-like substances,” which covers many man-made substances that have made modern dining the novel experience it is. There are some namby-pamby nutritionists who argue that these food-like substances have no place in a healthy diet. To these Pollyannas, I’d just like to say that if there weren’t a market for food-like substances, nobody would manufacture them. I don’t want some bureaucrat in Washington telling me what I can and can’t eat, so I’m glad there’s Jello and Cool Whip and Cheetos, even though nobody’s paying me to say that. If I want to eat plutonium, that’s my business. That’s what I like about America. Just make it fat-free, okay?
Jello, of course, is a brand name. The general term describing Jello and its pale imitators is “artificially flavored gelatin dessert.” The food group these exist in is called “food by-products and food-like substances,” which covers many man-made substances that have made modern dining the novel experience it is. There are some namby-pamby nutritionists who argue that these food-like substances have no place in a healthy diet. To these Pollyannas, I’d just like to say that if there weren’t a market for food-like substances, nobody would manufacture them. I don’t want some bureaucrat in Washington telling me what I can and can’t eat, so I’m glad there’s Jello and Cool Whip and Cheetos, even though nobody’s paying me to say that. If I want to eat plutonium, that’s my business. That’s what I like about America. Just make it fat-free, okay? Salivary Glands
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/07/2012
One day I was standing in front of a friend of mine, listening to him speak. When I opened my mouth for some air, tiny droplets shot out of my mouth like a fountain and hit my friend in the face. What happened?
———- from Cool Hand Uke of Sparks, Nevada
Your friend received the praise he was no doubt due. You see, even if you can’t find it in yourself to compliment a praiseworthy speaker, your mouth can. The salivary glands behind your tongue were showering your friend with praise, using the universal language of saliva. Great speakers have always, always received this kind of acclaim. When Lincoln read the Gettysburg Address, the audience literally drenched him with unspoken praise. In fact, videotapes of the event show him with an umbrella. When Churchill delivered his famous “Iron Curtain” speech in Missouri, grateful residents shouted a damp and silent “Show Me!” Today, all the great speakers wear raincoats on stage. So don’t worry. And thanks for asking!
Your friend received the praise he was no doubt due. You see, even if you can’t find it in yourself to compliment a praiseworthy speaker, your mouth can. The salivary glands behind your tongue were showering your friend with praise, using the universal language of saliva. Great speakers have always, always received this kind of acclaim. When Lincoln read the Gettysburg Address, the audience literally drenched him with unspoken praise. In fact, videotapes of the event show him with an umbrella. When Churchill delivered his famous “Iron Curtain” speech in Missouri, grateful residents shouted a damp and silent “Show Me!” Today, all the great speakers wear raincoats on stage. So don’t worry. And thanks for asking! 