———- from Greg McVerry of San Francisco, CA
Only if she was drinking milk at the time someone told a joke. The stupider the joke, the greater the force and volume of the effluviant. They say that Wisconsin Public Radio refuses to carry my show just so cows in that most dairy of states will stay on task, and avoid nasal regurgitation. Most cows can’t stand milk. They much prefer a highly carbonated, caffeinated soft drink. Many cows simply refuse to give milk without first drinking a few gallons of the stuff. Often you’ll see a beverage truck parked outside a dairy barn, delivering case after case of sweetend bubbly water that will just end up being snorted onto the hay once the cow realizes the inherent absurdity of her condition.
Since being elected to public office, I’ve found that I enjoy running. Problem is, little rocks find their way into my running shoes. I never had this problem before I got involved in politics. What can I do to stop this from happening?
———- from Tom DeWolfe of Bend, OR
Appoint a committee to spend a year studying the problem, then an hire an outside consultant to spend another year reviewing the committee’s findings. Take a year or more to study the consultant’s review of the committee’s work, then put the whole matter on the back burner while you devote all your energies to getting re-elected. Once you’re re-elected, this whole gravel in the running shoe thing will be old business and neither you nor your constituents will have the slightest interest in dredging up something they were bored by four years earlier. If you’re going to take up running, wear huaraches, like the Tarahumara of Northwestern Mexico. The pebbles slip right out while you run and, since they’re made out of old tires, they last forever!
———- from John Shivey of Hendersonville, NC
He’s actually kneeling, begging for someone to remove this heavy load from his shoulders. Fortunately, he’s kneeling on a thick pile carpet of quarks and leptons, the sub-sub atomic buildings blocks of the universe. Even that can cause knee burn and that’s why the big guy is so miserable. But he’s not having any luck getting someone to help him. Fact is, no one wants to carry all the world’s problems. We’ve grown selfish over the millennia, and now all anyone wants to worry about is his own ball of wax.
My family and I live in earthquake country. Often on the radio I hear the emergency warning broadcasts, with the nerve wracking scream they play for about ten seconds. When an earthquake strikes, I’m often listening to the radio, but I’ve never heard this annoying announcement or the scream when an earthquake actually happens. How come?
———- from Bill Sturgeon of Petrolia, CA
The staff at the radio station are usually screaming at that time and forget to put on the pre-recorded announcement. Often they’re ruing the lost time they’ve spent as underpaid radio station employees and the damaged relationships with loved ones that they never got around to setting straight. By the way, don’t you have anything better to do during an earthquake than nit-pick about what’s on the radio? Remember, whenever you point a finger, there are three on your hand pointing back at you.
Which will do less damage, plugging a 110 volt appliance into a 220 voltcircuit, or plugging a 220 volt appliance into a 110 volt circuit?
———- from Bryan Osborn of London, England