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Brown Grass
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/08/2012
Why does grass turn brown?
———- from Little Myron Hanson of Stanton, Nebraska
Myron, I’m going to tell you something that’s going to shock you. Every living thing, even the grass, is going to die. The grass that’s so lusciously green one day may be brown and dry the next. This is just one of those things Science calls a “fact.” It’s nobody’s fault. Now science may one day make this fact obsolete, as it has many other facts in the past, but until it does, well, we’re all going to watch grass turn brown. We’ll call the lines around our eyes laugh lines, then character lines, then wrinkles. The only way you can escape growing old is to die young. That’s a predicament both Scientists and bookies, their good friends and advisors, call a “no-win situation.” Sorry, I had to be the one to break the news to you. But it’s good you asked now, when you’re relatively young. The wounds will heal, with time. Just bet on it. Or ask my bookie.
Myron, I’m going to tell you something that’s going to shock you. Every living thing, even the grass, is going to die. The grass that’s so lusciously green one day may be brown and dry the next. This is just one of those things Science calls a “fact.” It’s nobody’s fault. Now science may one day make this fact obsolete, as it has many other facts in the past, but until it does, well, we’re all going to watch grass turn brown. We’ll call the lines around our eyes laugh lines, then character lines, then wrinkles. The only way you can escape growing old is to die young. That’s a predicament both Scientists and bookies, their good friends and advisors, call a “no-win situation.” Sorry, I had to be the one to break the news to you. But it’s good you asked now, when you’re relatively young. The wounds will heal, with time. Just bet on it. Or ask my bookie. Belly Button Lint
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/05/2012
Why does a lint ball, the same color as his teeshirt, appear in my husband’s belly button every day?
———- from Mary Ellen Ashby of Colorado Springs, CO
Well, your husband is probably far more fashion conscious than you realize. It takes a lot of sensitivity and patience for him tro find a teeshirt that exactly matches that day’s belly button lint. By the way, the Latin term for such lint is “Ocula Hathaway”, which also explains why that Hathaway shirt man had a patch over one eye. The truly elegant man has a profusion of navel lint that encompasses all the shades of the rainbow. So, you see, marketing and Science have much in common.
Well, your husband is probably far more fashion conscious than you realize. It takes a lot of sensitivity and patience for him tro find a teeshirt that exactly matches that day’s belly button lint. By the way, the Latin term for such lint is “Ocula Hathaway”, which also explains why that Hathaway shirt man had a patch over one eye. The truly elegant man has a profusion of navel lint that encompasses all the shades of the rainbow. So, you see, marketing and Science have much in common. Why is the Hot on the Right?
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/03/2012
Why is the hot on the left and the cold on the right?
———- from Richard O’Donnell of Colorado Springs, CO
There are exceptions to this rule. If the plumber who installed the fixture is handicapped by left-handedness, then hot and cold could be reversed. Certain megalomaniacal plumbers install the figures backwards just to give vent to their sociopathic compulsions to scald others. In Spanish speaking countries, like Mexico or Southern California, C stands for “Caliente”, and F, of course, for “Freezing”, or “Freakout”. My Spanish is a little rusty, but you get the idea.
There are exceptions to this rule. If the plumber who installed the fixture is handicapped by left-handedness, then hot and cold could be reversed. Certain megalomaniacal plumbers install the figures backwards just to give vent to their sociopathic compulsions to scald others. In Spanish speaking countries, like Mexico or Southern California, C stands for “Caliente”, and F, of course, for “Freezing”, or “Freakout”. My Spanish is a little rusty, but you get the idea. An Alternative to Beavis and Butthead
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/01/2012
I’m searching for a non-destructive alternative to humor for my 14 year old. Beavis and Butthead lacks morality and principle. Can you help?
———- from Colonel Bob (Retired) of Columbus, OH
I’m sorry, but you’re barking up the wrong tree, Colonel. The Ask Dr. Science show makes Beavis and Butthead look like the Waltons. You see, the truth is not pretty. Ever dissected a frog? Ever cleaned up the mess after a work study student accidently steps into the target end of a linear accelerator? No, Science is a gruesome affair and consequently, so is my show. See if you can get your son to watch the Disney Channel. Turn the TV volume down and put a Red Fox album on the stereo. That would make Beavis and Butthead look like Chip and Dale.
I’m sorry, but you’re barking up the wrong tree, Colonel. The Ask Dr. Science show makes Beavis and Butthead look like the Waltons. You see, the truth is not pretty. Ever dissected a frog? Ever cleaned up the mess after a work study student accidently steps into the target end of a linear accelerator? No, Science is a gruesome affair and consequently, so is my show. See if you can get your son to watch the Disney Channel. Turn the TV volume down and put a Red Fox album on the stereo. That would make Beavis and Butthead look like Chip and Dale. Soaking Beans Overnight
Posted by Dr. Science on 09/28/2012
Why do beans have to be soaked overnight? If you soak them during the daytime, can they tell the difference?
———- from Toye Durege of Seattle, WA
Soak a bean while the sun shines and you risk creating what the AEC calls a DBP, or Dense Bean Pile, a non nuclear cousin to the infamous reaction that happens when our friend the atom has one too many cups of joe. Yes, instead of a pot of swollen beans, you’ll end up with a quivering blob the size of your refrigerator, one that could level any lab or kitchen foolish enough to risk DBI, or Daylight Bean Immersion. Do us all a favor and follow the instructions, OK?
Soak a bean while the sun shines and you risk creating what the AEC calls a DBP, or Dense Bean Pile, a non nuclear cousin to the infamous reaction that happens when our friend the atom has one too many cups of joe. Yes, instead of a pot of swollen beans, you’ll end up with a quivering blob the size of your refrigerator, one that could level any lab or kitchen foolish enough to risk DBI, or Daylight Bean Immersion. Do us all a favor and follow the instructions, OK? 