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Adam, Eve and Friends
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/19/2012
Adam and Eve had two children, Cain and Abel. After Cain killed Abel, he went to the land of Nod, to the East of Eden, and took a wife. Where did she come from?
———- from Vicki McKay of Anhorage, AK
You ever seen those ads, “Russian Women Desire Pen Pals?” Those have been around literally since the dawn of time. The fact is, Cain married a Russian lady doctor and after she prescribed for him a mild sedative to quell those angry outbursts, Cain led a relatively uneventful life selling vinyl siding to the Hittites. Back then vinyl siding wasn’t guaranteed for a lifetime, because some people lived to be nine hundred years old. After Cain retired from the siding business, he invented miniature golf, and he and his wife started the first miniature golf country club.
You ever seen those ads, “Russian Women Desire Pen Pals?” Those have been around literally since the dawn of time. The fact is, Cain married a Russian lady doctor and after she prescribed for him a mild sedative to quell those angry outbursts, Cain led a relatively uneventful life selling vinyl siding to the Hittites. Back then vinyl siding wasn’t guaranteed for a lifetime, because some people lived to be nine hundred years old. After Cain retired from the siding business, he invented miniature golf, and he and his wife started the first miniature golf country club. Dr. Science’s Ears
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/17/2012
In your portrait at the top of your web page, why is your ear perfectly round, and black in the center?
———- from Jeff and Ryan Daniels of Dickerson, MD
First of all, I’d like to compliment you on your powers of observation. Years ago, I had my ears replaced with quartz diaphragms that were the precursors of today’s high quality condenser microphones. These audiophile ears give me superhearing and I can hear someone cough in an apartment building in another city. The black spot in the center is the faux ear canal, actually a solar powered NiCad battery that never needs replacing! You sent your question over the internet but, thanks to my super hearing, I heard you mumbling it to yourself as you typed it, even though you were hundreds of miles away.
First of all, I’d like to compliment you on your powers of observation. Years ago, I had my ears replaced with quartz diaphragms that were the precursors of today’s high quality condenser microphones. These audiophile ears give me superhearing and I can hear someone cough in an apartment building in another city. The black spot in the center is the faux ear canal, actually a solar powered NiCad battery that never needs replacing! You sent your question over the internet but, thanks to my super hearing, I heard you mumbling it to yourself as you typed it, even though you were hundreds of miles away. Stretch Cows
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/15/2012
We have obseved that after sleeping, humans, dogs and cats all stretch. Do cows stretch?
———- from Tom and Barb of Dearborn Heights, MI
Certain cows do. These are known as “stretch cows” and, like their automotive cousin the stretch limosine, they’re reserved only for special occasions. When a celebrity or politician visits a farm, stretch cattle generally replace the bovine population. They’re usually sterile and produce a thin, watery type of skim milk that has no nutritional value but, ironically, photographs well. Unlike cows, many humans, dogs and cats have already stretched themselves to the limit. These generally find their way to Southern California where they go into therapy and find high-paying jobs in the entertainment industry.
Certain cows do. These are known as “stretch cows” and, like their automotive cousin the stretch limosine, they’re reserved only for special occasions. When a celebrity or politician visits a farm, stretch cattle generally replace the bovine population. They’re usually sterile and produce a thin, watery type of skim milk that has no nutritional value but, ironically, photographs well. Unlike cows, many humans, dogs and cats have already stretched themselves to the limit. These generally find their way to Southern California where they go into therapy and find high-paying jobs in the entertainment industry. Egg Rolls
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/12/2012
How do you make an egg roll? Do you equip it with roller skates or do you push it with a stick?
———- from Bill Cantlon of Silsbee, TX
The only way to make an egg roll is to make the egg think that the rolling is its idea. One way to do that is to show an egg some slow motion movies of attractive eggs rolling down grassy hills. Another way is to absolutely forbid the egg from rolling. Some Chinese restaurants use a third method. They hop an egg up on so much MSG that it begins to nervously roll around the kitchen floor, picking up bits of food in the process. I’ve never witnessed this, but it sounds like it should be against the law.
The only way to make an egg roll is to make the egg think that the rolling is its idea. One way to do that is to show an egg some slow motion movies of attractive eggs rolling down grassy hills. Another way is to absolutely forbid the egg from rolling. Some Chinese restaurants use a third method. They hop an egg up on so much MSG that it begins to nervously roll around the kitchen floor, picking up bits of food in the process. I’ve never witnessed this, but it sounds like it should be against the law. Survey Party Animals
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/10/2012
When I’m traveling, I keep seeing signs that say “Survey Party.” Yet, when I drive past, I see no refreshments being served. All I see are men standing around looking through telescopes and leaning on tall wooden sticks.
———- from Bear Mann of Crescent City, CA
Part of growing up is realizing there are some parties you’re simply just not going to be invited to. These “Survey Parties” are for voyeurs. Those “telescopes” are actually “girly picture tubes.” The word “Survey”, incidentally, is a corruption of “Her Way” — a reference to pre-historic matriarchial societies where women used to stand on the roads, staring down “Big Hunk Tubes” at pictures of scantily clad men. Chances are you wouldn’t be invited to those parties either.
Part of growing up is realizing there are some parties you’re simply just not going to be invited to. These “Survey Parties” are for voyeurs. Those “telescopes” are actually “girly picture tubes.” The word “Survey”, incidentally, is a corruption of “Her Way” — a reference to pre-historic matriarchial societies where women used to stand on the roads, staring down “Big Hunk Tubes” at pictures of scantily clad men. Chances are you wouldn’t be invited to those parties either. 