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Dangers of Windows 95
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/01/2013
Can using Windows 95 in 1997 cause a rift in the space time continuum?
———- from Zachary Klaas of Hamburg, Germany
Yes. and that was the intention of its developers. True progress only happens when someone introduces a little wrinkle into the warp and whoof of the space time continuum, which is actually less like a continuum and more like a very large sheet treated with one of those no-wrinkle coatings that smell like paint. By the way, if you press Control, Alt, Delete, Shift, and F7 at the same time, your computer will give birth to several Radio Shack TRS-80’s, which you can sell at a garage sale to support your computer addiction.
Progress and Congress
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/27/2013
If pro and con are opposites, is progress the opposite of congress?
———- from Arthur Dinjee of Hendersonville, NC
Only in a literal sense. Fortunately, Congress is mainly orally fixated, a bunch of guys and gals who love to gab. Many of them are completely unaware of what they’re saying, their mouths being on legislative auto-pilot. This ability to detatch the mind from the mouth is learned through hard months on the campaign trail and is fundamentally a psychic defense system that allows the canditate to maintain sanity in an insane situation. So it’s no wonder most of them continue to practice dissasociation as a way of life. If they weren’t in Washington, they’d be wards of the state back home.
Animal Sight
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/25/2013
Why do animals see only in visible light?
———- from Chuck Bullard of Omaha, NE
Check your data. Last time I noticed, my cat was staring at dust motes, which in ultraviolet light resemble iridescent gummy worms. No wonder these fanciful felines can spend the greater part of a morning just staring at a sunbeam. Dogs, on the other hand, see in infra red, which is why a television’s remote control can render even the most savage attack dog a whimpering puppy. I carry a spare remote in my pocket whenever I’m out of the lab, in case I’m attacked by a stray pit bull.
Women From Mens’ Ribs
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/22/2013
I’ve heard that women are made out of men’s ribs. Should I try this at home? Please rush your answer, I’m extremely lonely.
———- from Nick Nicholl of Colorado Springs, CO
You could try, but it would be painful, messy, and unless the Great Scientist blessed the proceeding, it would probably just land you in the National Enquirer with the other stories like “man puts TV dinner to bed, eats son”. Certainly there are plenty of females in Colorado Springs, despite the Air Force academy. Dancing lessons wouldn’t hurt and they’d be a lot cheaper than corrective surgery.
What is Mineral Wool?
Posted by Dr. Science on 02/20/2013
What is mineral wool, and where does it come from?
———- from Fred Hoffman of Los Angeles, CA
