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The Periodic Table
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/13/2013
Is a periodic table more frequent than an occasional table?
———- from Earl Mitchell of Twin Falls, ID
It is periodically, which means of course, that it’s often less frequent. Inhumans they call this bi-polar disorder – in furniture it’s not considered aliability, but rather an asset. Occasional tables aren’t expected to bedining room tables or even TV trays. So it’s all a matter of expectationsand we will only be content when we learn to reduce our expectations ofinanimate objects. Accepting them for what they are, rather than wishingthey were other objects, or pets, or even our best friends. My best friendis a gas chromatograph named “Oscar”, but that’s a choice I’ve made, not anexpectation.
Newscaster Speak
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/11/2013
Lately, I’ve noticed that all the newscasters on the radio speak with the same inflection. Is there a hereditary pre-disposition towards vocalizing in this way or is it learned behavior?
———- from Tom Kammerer of Lake Charles, LA
Neither. Almost all news is dubbed at a secret government facility and the voice you hear is a trained chimpanzee who’s been genetically engineered to approximate human speech. If you listen closely you’ll notice that sentences like”We’ll be back with the weather, right after this”, are devoid of any real information. In certain markets, even the newscaster is simply a computer modeled virtual character. Remember Max Headroom from ten years ago? Well, simulation software has gotton a lot more sophisticated since then.
Intuition and Phone Calls
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/08/2013
I’ve found that if I turn the ringer off on my phone, I can still tell when someone’s calling me. It’s a hunch I have, an intuitive thought. Can you tell me what’s going on here?
———- from Laurie Klemme of Grass Valley, CA
You’ve got too much selenium in your diet. Probably you’ve been eating those high-fiber breakfast cereals, the ones made by subsidiaries of the big telecommunications companies. If you read the ingredients, they’ll list selenium right after sugar and hydrolized animal protein. Sometimes they’ll carmelize it, to disguise selenium’s natural flinty appearance. Me, I stick to Grape Nuts. I’ve got myself an old fashioned rotary phone with a real honest-to-gosh bell. No annoying telephone chirps in my lab, or in my head.
Bachelor Meals
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/06/2013
Is there any truth to the old bachelor’s saw, “The higher the heat, the sooner we’ll eat”?
———- from Dean F. Cully of Bethel, AK
Bachelors are an impatient bunch, too antsy to put up with the demands of wife or children. They do most of their cooking on a hot plate, warming up cans of beans or soup and making plenty of coffee, while they pace their furnished rooms, mumbling to themselves about what’s wrong with government, and women. The Underwriter’s Laboratories makes sure that hot plates can only get so hot, otherwise the number of rooming house fires would be even greater than it is now. Oxy-acetylene would, of course, heat things up even faster and a clean hydrogen flame could charr a can of beans in seconds.
Deer Crossing Signs
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/04/2013
How do they figure out where to post deer crossing signs?
———- from Rick Brown of Kalona, IA
