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Cartoon Lip Reading
Posted by Dr. Science on 09/04/2013
Can deaf people read the lips of cartoon characters such as Fred Flinstone or Scooby Doo?
———- from Dr. Charles Jaworski of Coral Springs, Fl
Sure, if they wanted to. It isn’t easy to read lips, especially the lips of a cartoon character, and usually what that character is saying is so insubstantial as to not be worth the effort. Often, lazy animators have the characters say the same thing over and over again, like “Eat more breakfast cereal.” or “Boy, is this cartoon stupid.” If I were deaf and had gone to all the trouble to learn to read lips, then found myself watching Scooby Doo, I would probably fly into a rage and attack my television. Who knows what injuries I might suffer? Thank goodness that’s only a hypothetical scenario.
Sure, if they wanted to. It isn’t easy to read lips, especially the lips of a cartoon character, and usually what that character is saying is so insubstantial as to not be worth the effort. Often, lazy animators have the characters say the same thing over and over again, like “Eat more breakfast cereal.” or “Boy, is this cartoon stupid.” If I were deaf and had gone to all the trouble to learn to read lips, then found myself watching Scooby Doo, I would probably fly into a rage and attack my television. Who knows what injuries I might suffer? Thank goodness that’s only a hypothetical scenario. Computer Vents
Posted by Dr. Science on 09/02/2013
On the backside of my computer, there are numerous holes and sockets that have nothing plugged into them. What is their function and purpose?
———- from Martha Barron of Seattle, WA
Those are air vents, to rid the computer of excess silicon monoxide, a poisonous gas produced as a byproduct of computing. Unless you’re doing a lot of number crunching, the gas will not build up to a sufficient concentration to kill you, although breathing even a microscopic amount may encourage you to become morbidly preoccupied with past humiliations, failed relationships and to find yourself revolting when you look in the mirror. You can plug these holes with silica gel if you wish to avoid such brooding, or you can stick straws into them and point them toward your face if that’s your idea of a good time.
Those are air vents, to rid the computer of excess silicon monoxide, a poisonous gas produced as a byproduct of computing. Unless you’re doing a lot of number crunching, the gas will not build up to a sufficient concentration to kill you, although breathing even a microscopic amount may encourage you to become morbidly preoccupied with past humiliations, failed relationships and to find yourself revolting when you look in the mirror. You can plug these holes with silica gel if you wish to avoid such brooding, or you can stick straws into them and point them toward your face if that’s your idea of a good time. Spam Jelly
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/30/2013
What exactly is that clear jelly around Spam?
———- from Matthew C. Bohne of Milan, OH
When Spam reaches a certain phase of development, it sheds its old skin, and grows a new one. This roughly corresponds to the human phase we call “adolescence.” Older Spam sometimes suffers from hair loss and wrinkling. This is not to denigrate the integrity or value of the Spam in question. Many people prefer bald, wrinkled Spam, saying it has character. You should always discard the clear jelly before using Spam, although I’ve found that if I set it aside and wash it with a sodium hydroxide, it makes a dandy floor polish. I tried it on my car, but the next morning I found every cat in my neighborhood licking it and, before the day was done, I had to get a new paint job. Thanks Earl Schweib!
When Spam reaches a certain phase of development, it sheds its old skin, and grows a new one. This roughly corresponds to the human phase we call “adolescence.” Older Spam sometimes suffers from hair loss and wrinkling. This is not to denigrate the integrity or value of the Spam in question. Many people prefer bald, wrinkled Spam, saying it has character. You should always discard the clear jelly before using Spam, although I’ve found that if I set it aside and wash it with a sodium hydroxide, it makes a dandy floor polish. I tried it on my car, but the next morning I found every cat in my neighborhood licking it and, before the day was done, I had to get a new paint job. Thanks Earl Schweib! Eyelash Mites
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/28/2013
Do you know about mites that live in your eye lashes?
———- from Daniel Leeman of Boston, MA
Do I know about them, they’re the bane of my very existence! I wish I’d never turned that Cesium Ray on those common dust mites, transforming them into eyelash-chomping carnivores. It was the first time I’d ever been attacked by one of my experimental subjects. Well, not the first time, but those monkeys were rabid when I got them. And those rats, well you just can’t feed rats Jell-O day after day and not expect some subtle change in their disposition. I found a way to get rid of eyelash mites, but it involves using an ultrasonic toothbrush and laundry bleach. To protect myself from lawsuits, I can’t share those instructions with you over the Internet, but I’d be glad to share them on a personal basis. Let’s talk, shall we?
Do I know about them, they’re the bane of my very existence! I wish I’d never turned that Cesium Ray on those common dust mites, transforming them into eyelash-chomping carnivores. It was the first time I’d ever been attacked by one of my experimental subjects. Well, not the first time, but those monkeys were rabid when I got them. And those rats, well you just can’t feed rats Jell-O day after day and not expect some subtle change in their disposition. I found a way to get rid of eyelash mites, but it involves using an ultrasonic toothbrush and laundry bleach. To protect myself from lawsuits, I can’t share those instructions with you over the Internet, but I’d be glad to share them on a personal basis. Let’s talk, shall we? Heavenly Welfare
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/26/2013
Isn’t “heaven” just another form of welfare?
———- from Timon Tree of Houston, TX
Yes, but it’s a better form of welfare than most recipients experience. Instead of a trailer park or a crowded tenement, you live in sterile condominiums on the edge of suburbia. In place of food stamps, you receive vouchers that enable you to eat for free at a shopping center cafeteria. Your caseworker has been replaced with a perky hospitality host, who acts like a member of the Love Boat crew. A graduate of some New Age positive thinking seminar, he is constantly spouting bland affirmations about your right to fulfillment and happiness. Chances are you’ll end up strangling him, and be transferred to welfare hell, which is a lot like being on welfare right here on earth.
Yes, but it’s a better form of welfare than most recipients experience. Instead of a trailer park or a crowded tenement, you live in sterile condominiums on the edge of suburbia. In place of food stamps, you receive vouchers that enable you to eat for free at a shopping center cafeteria. Your caseworker has been replaced with a perky hospitality host, who acts like a member of the Love Boat crew. A graduate of some New Age positive thinking seminar, he is constantly spouting bland affirmations about your right to fulfillment and happiness. Chances are you’ll end up strangling him, and be transferred to welfare hell, which is a lot like being on welfare right here on earth. 