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Particle Board Physics
Posted by Dr. Science on 11/01/2013
Which came first: particle board or particle physics?
———- from R B Hill ofHelena MT
They both arrived at the same time. Particle physics is a new way of defining the universe in order to explain particle board. Traditional Newtonian physics holds that similarly charged particles repel one another. Particle board is made up of billions of identical sawdust molecules, each of which holds a positive charge. Yet they line up in neat rows like peas in a pod, ready and willing to hold cheap furniture together. How does particle physics explain this newfound cooperative spirit? The positive charge is actually a positive attitude. Being willing to work together allows humble sawdust molecules to approximate stately wood. Yes, we can learn a lesson from particle board.
They both arrived at the same time. Particle physics is a new way of defining the universe in order to explain particle board. Traditional Newtonian physics holds that similarly charged particles repel one another. Particle board is made up of billions of identical sawdust molecules, each of which holds a positive charge. Yet they line up in neat rows like peas in a pod, ready and willing to hold cheap furniture together. How does particle physics explain this newfound cooperative spirit? The positive charge is actually a positive attitude. Being willing to work together allows humble sawdust molecules to approximate stately wood. Yes, we can learn a lesson from particle board. The Element of Surprise
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/30/2013
I’ve heard references to the element of surprise. I checked my periodic table and can’t find it. What am I doing wrong?
———- from Kelley West of Mobile AL
The element of surprise is called different things in different countries. In Russia, it’s still known as Leningolova or “Lenin’s Head,” a reference to a statue of Lenin that stood outside the Moscow Technical Institute and has a mildly radioactive head composed entirely of an isotope of what we call “Surprise.” Surprise tends to be all things to all people. A dull, shiny metal, surprise easily dissolves in water and strong coffee. A deadly poison, it readily oxidizes and forms an unsightly green scum on its surface. The United States has banned all manufacture and import of surprise since 1955. If you’ve watched network television, it’s been that long since you’ve been surprised, right?
The element of surprise is called different things in different countries. In Russia, it’s still known as Leningolova or “Lenin’s Head,” a reference to a statue of Lenin that stood outside the Moscow Technical Institute and has a mildly radioactive head composed entirely of an isotope of what we call “Surprise.” Surprise tends to be all things to all people. A dull, shiny metal, surprise easily dissolves in water and strong coffee. A deadly poison, it readily oxidizes and forms an unsightly green scum on its surface. The United States has banned all manufacture and import of surprise since 1955. If you’ve watched network television, it’s been that long since you’ve been surprised, right? Certified Quantum Mechanics
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/28/2013
I’m thinking of having my car serviced. Should I take it to a regular mechanic or a quantum mechanic?
———- from Wendy Woollett of Helena, MT
It clearly depends on your driving habits. If you often drive at faster than light speeds, you’d do well to have it serviced by a certified quantum mechanic. That way you can rest assured that if you hit a pothole at Mach 4 million, the suspension won’t disintegrate into fundamental particles. Sure, they charge a bit more than your standard grease monkey, but they stand behind their work. I recall hearing about one case where a graduate student took a research vehicle on a joyride and forgot to check the oil first. He’s now stuck in the stone age.
It clearly depends on your driving habits. If you often drive at faster than light speeds, you’d do well to have it serviced by a certified quantum mechanic. That way you can rest assured that if you hit a pothole at Mach 4 million, the suspension won’t disintegrate into fundamental particles. Sure, they charge a bit more than your standard grease monkey, but they stand behind their work. I recall hearing about one case where a graduate student took a research vehicle on a joyride and forgot to check the oil first. He’s now stuck in the stone age. Vampire Chickens
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/25/2013
I’m looking for a hobby, and I was wondering… How do your raise book worms?
———- from Gordon Nagay ofBerkeley, CA
Where have you been? Print is dead. So are the book worms. Now we’re left with video vermin, creeping internet insects that feed off what’s left of our collective unconscious. When that’s all gone, I suppose they’ll be replaced with a new kind of parasite that lives inside your head and eats IQ. Remember that Edgar Allen Poe story about the guy who was eaten by a vampire chicken?**Excuse me, Dr. Science, this is Rodney. I don’t believe I have. What’s the matter, Rodney, didn’t you take high school English? **To the best of my knowledge I did, but I don’t remember that Poe story. Did you read the Red Badge of Courage? **Yes, I remember that one. And the O’Henry one, the Gift of the Magi. Well, then you must have read the one about the vampire chicken. Did I answer this guy’s question yet?
Where have you been? Print is dead. So are the book worms. Now we’re left with video vermin, creeping internet insects that feed off what’s left of our collective unconscious. When that’s all gone, I suppose they’ll be replaced with a new kind of parasite that lives inside your head and eats IQ. Remember that Edgar Allen Poe story about the guy who was eaten by a vampire chicken?**Excuse me, Dr. Science, this is Rodney. I don’t believe I have. What’s the matter, Rodney, didn’t you take high school English? **To the best of my knowledge I did, but I don’t remember that Poe story. Did you read the Red Badge of Courage? **Yes, I remember that one. And the O’Henry one, the Gift of the Magi. Well, then you must have read the one about the vampire chicken. Did I answer this guy’s question yet? Brown Grass
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/23/2013
Why does grass turn brown?
———- from Little Myron of Stanton, NE
Myron, I’m going to have to tell you something that is going to shock you. Every living thing, even the grass, is going to die. The grass, so lusciously green one day, is brown and dry the next. This is just one of those things Science calls a “fact.” It’s nobody’s fault. Science may one day make this fact obsolete, as it has many other facts in the past. Until it does, however, we’re all going to have to watch the grass turn brown. We’ll call the lines around our eyes laugh lines, then character lines, then wrinkles. The only way you can escape growing old is to die young. That is a predicament both scientists and bookies call a “no win situation.” Sorry, I had to be the one to break the news to you. But it’s good you asked now, when you’re young and the Internet isn’t controlled by a vast international conspiracy. The wounds will heal, with time.
Myron, I’m going to have to tell you something that is going to shock you. Every living thing, even the grass, is going to die. The grass, so lusciously green one day, is brown and dry the next. This is just one of those things Science calls a “fact.” It’s nobody’s fault. Science may one day make this fact obsolete, as it has many other facts in the past. Until it does, however, we’re all going to have to watch the grass turn brown. We’ll call the lines around our eyes laugh lines, then character lines, then wrinkles. The only way you can escape growing old is to die young. That is a predicament both scientists and bookies call a “no win situation.” Sorry, I had to be the one to break the news to you. But it’s good you asked now, when you’re young and the Internet isn’t controlled by a vast international conspiracy. The wounds will heal, with time. 