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Orgasms and Organisms
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/21/2013
What’s the difference between an orgasm, an organism and an Oregonian?
———- from M. Galloway of Eugene OR
The differences are quite evident. An orgasm is a mythical “experience” desperately sought by lost souls in search of a “lifestyle”. Although men often claim to experience them, it’s my opinion they are as real as the Easter Bunny or the elusive “meaningful relationship.” Now, an organism is a collection of orgasms, a fictional work with a glossy cover. An Oregonian is a devotee of Dr. Wilhelm Reich. These followers of the celebrated self-proclaimed German genius tended to migrate to the frigid Swampland just north of California. They wear sandals year round and walk around in a perpetual drizzle wearing a faintly bemused expression.
The differences are quite evident. An orgasm is a mythical “experience” desperately sought by lost souls in search of a “lifestyle”. Although men often claim to experience them, it’s my opinion they are as real as the Easter Bunny or the elusive “meaningful relationship.” Now, an organism is a collection of orgasms, a fictional work with a glossy cover. An Oregonian is a devotee of Dr. Wilhelm Reich. These followers of the celebrated self-proclaimed German genius tended to migrate to the frigid Swampland just north of California. They wear sandals year round and walk around in a perpetual drizzle wearing a faintly bemused expression. Used Gravity
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/18/2013
What happens to used gravity?
———- from Pebble Gifford ofMoynihan’s Bluff, CA
You leave behind residual gravity with every step you take. Since gravity itself remains so plentiful, this second-hand gravity is of little use to the lay person. It’s used mainly by unscrupulous gravity mongers, who mix it with helium and sell it to basketball teams. Then, through a complicated and illegal remote control system called Ayrgeor Dan, they control passage of the ball and the outcome of games, raking in millions with side bets. So, used gravity is mainly used for point shaving. Until now, gravity has been provided free. If the illegal use of gravity does not cease, the makers of gravity will soon be forced to charge a gravity toll and lawyers will be chasing our footsteps the same way they now chase ambulances. The world will go broke paying legal fees and fly off into space. Short of making basketball illegal, however, I see no easy solution. Personally, I gave up sports when the Pong craze gave way to Pac-Man.
You leave behind residual gravity with every step you take. Since gravity itself remains so plentiful, this second-hand gravity is of little use to the lay person. It’s used mainly by unscrupulous gravity mongers, who mix it with helium and sell it to basketball teams. Then, through a complicated and illegal remote control system called Ayrgeor Dan, they control passage of the ball and the outcome of games, raking in millions with side bets. So, used gravity is mainly used for point shaving. Until now, gravity has been provided free. If the illegal use of gravity does not cease, the makers of gravity will soon be forced to charge a gravity toll and lawyers will be chasing our footsteps the same way they now chase ambulances. The world will go broke paying legal fees and fly off into space. Short of making basketball illegal, however, I see no easy solution. Personally, I gave up sports when the Pong craze gave way to Pac-Man. Acid Rain
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/16/2013
What exactly is “acid rain”? Will I hallucinate if caught in such a rain?
———- from Wendell Pane of Detroit MI
Probably. It all depends on your sensitivity to hallucinogens and the acidity of the rain you find yourself caught in. Back in the ’30s, industrial pollution was virtually unchecked and rainfall caused massive hallucinations in an already depressed populace. You may recall people claimed they saw pennies from heaven falling from the sky and walked around holding their umbrellas upside down hoping to get out of debt. In the late ’60s , the counterculture types would often walk around with their mouths open during a thunderstorm hoping to catch a free “buzz” from the acid rain that fell on Woodstock or whatever place they were shacking up in at the time. Today’s acid rain is more acid than ever, but this increased acidity has meant a decrease in its hallucinogenic properties. It can, however, replace battery acid from your car’s battery and dissolves rust from metal in seconds. Your best bet these days: keep your mouth open while surfing the Internet. If you do it long enough, you’ll understand the connection between “Dark Side of the Moon” and “The Wizard of Oz.” Guaranteed.
Probably. It all depends on your sensitivity to hallucinogens and the acidity of the rain you find yourself caught in. Back in the ’30s, industrial pollution was virtually unchecked and rainfall caused massive hallucinations in an already depressed populace. You may recall people claimed they saw pennies from heaven falling from the sky and walked around holding their umbrellas upside down hoping to get out of debt. In the late ’60s , the counterculture types would often walk around with their mouths open during a thunderstorm hoping to catch a free “buzz” from the acid rain that fell on Woodstock or whatever place they were shacking up in at the time. Today’s acid rain is more acid than ever, but this increased acidity has meant a decrease in its hallucinogenic properties. It can, however, replace battery acid from your car’s battery and dissolves rust from metal in seconds. Your best bet these days: keep your mouth open while surfing the Internet. If you do it long enough, you’ll understand the connection between “Dark Side of the Moon” and “The Wizard of Oz.” Guaranteed. The Microwaves
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/14/2013
If microwaves that transmit information and the microwaves that cook food are the same strength, then why don’t announcers’ brains get cooked?
———- from Dr. Gotsch of EMU Labs, San Francisco
Good question. In fact, I’m sure many a station manager has wondered the same thing. The fact is that in order for something to be cooked in a microwave it must have once been alive, and that’s not the case when it comes to many a radio announcer’s brains. That’s because when these fellows attend broadcasting school, they’re literally asked to donate their brains to needy program directors. The program director is the person who decides on programming; most of them are hired because they have little contact with what the rest of us call reality. The result is supposed to be original radio that all sounds the same. Thank goodness, some cities haven’t abandoned the all-Elvis format yet. Oh, getting back to your question, don’t worry. Let the microwaves fly where they will; the announcers can’t be hurt. Their brains have been in the next room for some time.
Good question. In fact, I’m sure many a station manager has wondered the same thing. The fact is that in order for something to be cooked in a microwave it must have once been alive, and that’s not the case when it comes to many a radio announcer’s brains. That’s because when these fellows attend broadcasting school, they’re literally asked to donate their brains to needy program directors. The program director is the person who decides on programming; most of them are hired because they have little contact with what the rest of us call reality. The result is supposed to be original radio that all sounds the same. Thank goodness, some cities haven’t abandoned the all-Elvis format yet. Oh, getting back to your question, don’t worry. Let the microwaves fly where they will; the announcers can’t be hurt. Their brains have been in the next room for some time. Wobble World
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/11/2013
If love makes the world go round, what causes Precessionary Wobble?
———- from Nyra Anderson of Evansville, IN
Entropy. Self-centered behavior. Emotional immaturity. Brownian Motion. Oh, I guess I could come up with a list of reasons why the world wobbles, but it would all come down to love, eventually. Or, more precisely, the lack of love. If you deprive a child of love, you end up with a psycho killer, disgruntled webmaster or an insecure Speaker of the House. If you deprive a planet of love, it wobbles on its axis, eventually falling into the sun. So when Nobel Prize Winner Tina Turner asks “What’s love got to do with it?”, she’s essentially asking a question best answered by physics.
Entropy. Self-centered behavior. Emotional immaturity. Brownian Motion. Oh, I guess I could come up with a list of reasons why the world wobbles, but it would all come down to love, eventually. Or, more precisely, the lack of love. If you deprive a child of love, you end up with a psycho killer, disgruntled webmaster or an insecure Speaker of the House. If you deprive a planet of love, it wobbles on its axis, eventually falling into the sun. So when Nobel Prize Winner Tina Turner asks “What’s love got to do with it?”, she’s essentially asking a question best answered by physics. 