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Processing Words or Food
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/31/2014
I recently moved into a wealthy neighborhood and learned that all my neighbors own food processors as well as word processors. which should I buy first to establish myself in the community?
———- from Vergeline Hultgren of Andover, Illinois
Buy the food processor. Processed food is essential for a balanced diet. The technology that has made American cheese the delight that it is has actually allowed the American language to become equally delightful. Proper use of word processors have given us such processed words as lifestyle, terrific, optimal, utilization, interface and e-mail – concepts that enrich our magazine prose without really making us think about anything. There’s probably an easy way to convert your food processor to a word processor, eliminating the need to buy two machines. I haven’t the faintest idea how to make that conversion. I’m a scientist, not a technician, for heaven’s sake. If I were you, I’d consult the yellow pages and let my fingers do the walking. It requires knowledge of the alphabet, and you won’t have to see those annoying blinking ads you get at every search engine.
Buy the food processor. Processed food is essential for a balanced diet. The technology that has made American cheese the delight that it is has actually allowed the American language to become equally delightful. Proper use of word processors have given us such processed words as lifestyle, terrific, optimal, utilization, interface and e-mail – concepts that enrich our magazine prose without really making us think about anything. There’s probably an easy way to convert your food processor to a word processor, eliminating the need to buy two machines. I haven’t the faintest idea how to make that conversion. I’m a scientist, not a technician, for heaven’s sake. If I were you, I’d consult the yellow pages and let my fingers do the walking. It requires knowledge of the alphabet, and you won’t have to see those annoying blinking ads you get at every search engine. Wet Cement & Initials
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/28/2014
Why do people feel compelled to write their initials in wet cement?
———- from Melba & Julie of San Luis Obispo, CA
First of all, a warning: this action is illegal everywhere but on Hollywood Boulevard in California, where the allowed privilege is only given to movie stars. I don’t know the source of this human compulsion, but it seems to be related to the urge to throw pennies into standing pools of water. Most parks provide ponds so that tourists can throw pennies into them; frankly, I don’t know why parks don’t provide banks of wet cement as well. Maybe it’s too expensive. Well, all I know is there are thousands of penny-filled pools in America, but most of the cement is amazingly dry. I’ve never felt either of these urges. I always throw a personal check into a pond myself and then fill in the pond with concrete. It’s a strange compulsion, I know, but then I’m not a movie star or a tourist with a lot of loose change. I’m a scientist. I’m not like other people.
First of all, a warning: this action is illegal everywhere but on Hollywood Boulevard in California, where the allowed privilege is only given to movie stars. I don’t know the source of this human compulsion, but it seems to be related to the urge to throw pennies into standing pools of water. Most parks provide ponds so that tourists can throw pennies into them; frankly, I don’t know why parks don’t provide banks of wet cement as well. Maybe it’s too expensive. Well, all I know is there are thousands of penny-filled pools in America, but most of the cement is amazingly dry. I’ve never felt either of these urges. I always throw a personal check into a pond myself and then fill in the pond with concrete. It’s a strange compulsion, I know, but then I’m not a movie star or a tourist with a lot of loose change. I’m a scientist. I’m not like other people. Barking Spiders
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/26/2014
What can you tell me about Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders? My cabin is overrun with them. What can I do?
———- from J. Major of Missoula, Montana
Hmm, I doubt if you really have them. Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders are extremely rare. Check again. Count the legs. If they only have four legs, chances are you have Malamutes, which bear a remarkable resemblance to barking spiders, except they’re shorter and aren’t poisonous. Now if they do have eight legs, well, you could be hallucinating. Check for drugs in the your bloodstream or for symptoms of cabin fever. If you do indeed have Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders, I suggest you move. There’s no way to get rid of them. Normally they are quite friendly, but people who ask silly questions of on-line experts drive them into an insane, murderous rage. Good luck – and I hope it’s not too late.
Hmm, I doubt if you really have them. Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders are extremely rare. Check again. Count the legs. If they only have four legs, chances are you have Malamutes, which bear a remarkable resemblance to barking spiders, except they’re shorter and aren’t poisonous. Now if they do have eight legs, well, you could be hallucinating. Check for drugs in the your bloodstream or for symptoms of cabin fever. If you do indeed have Rocky Mountain Barking Spiders, I suggest you move. There’s no way to get rid of them. Normally they are quite friendly, but people who ask silly questions of on-line experts drive them into an insane, murderous rage. Good luck – and I hope it’s not too late. Insect Minds
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/24/2014
What’s the last thing to go through an insect’s mind before it smashes into your car windshield?
———- from J. North Bunker of Venice, California
By a remarkable coincidence, science has recently shed light on this problem. After a long and diligent search, science located a number of psychic insects. We duct-taped these telepathic six-legged creatures to the hood of a ’62 Studebaker. Then we drove through Wyoming this August at speeds well exceeding the speed limit. Precise and tiny instruments attached to the exoskeleton of the extra-sensory insects then picked up the final thoughts of so-called “normal” insects as they smashed into the windshield. 23% of these final thoughts were “Uh Oh.” Another 22% were “Oops!”, followed by 15% that were simply, “Car!” The 12% of younger insects with dyed hair and odd appearance most often thought “Figures.” The remainder were a hodge-podge including “Hungry,” “Tired”, “Whoa! Big and Shiny,” “Death, where is thy sting?” and “Hey, watch where you’re goi–.”
By a remarkable coincidence, science has recently shed light on this problem. After a long and diligent search, science located a number of psychic insects. We duct-taped these telepathic six-legged creatures to the hood of a ’62 Studebaker. Then we drove through Wyoming this August at speeds well exceeding the speed limit. Precise and tiny instruments attached to the exoskeleton of the extra-sensory insects then picked up the final thoughts of so-called “normal” insects as they smashed into the windshield. 23% of these final thoughts were “Uh Oh.” Another 22% were “Oops!”, followed by 15% that were simply, “Car!” The 12% of younger insects with dyed hair and odd appearance most often thought “Figures.” The remainder were a hodge-podge including “Hungry,” “Tired”, “Whoa! Big and Shiny,” “Death, where is thy sting?” and “Hey, watch where you’re goi–.” The Truth About Grazing Cows
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/21/2014
Hey, why do cows graze facing the same direction, anyway?
———- from Eddie of Raleigh, North Carolina
I can only offer a theory, but it’s my hunch that cows are reincarnated Druids. Usually, they face in the direction of Stonehenge, that arcane and mysterious circle of British stone. They can no longer make sacrifices on moonless nights because they no longer have hands. This is probably fortunate, if you have chickens or geese. You’d hate to lose your barnyard fowl to some sort of ritual. The lack of hands is the cause of the rather melancholy expression one so often sees on the face of a cow. There are, however, still rural Stonehenges scattered throughout America and certain parts of England. These circles of corn or barely were nudged into place over a long period of time by patient herds of cattle – the most religious, mysterious and clumsy of all barnyard animals.
I can only offer a theory, but it’s my hunch that cows are reincarnated Druids. Usually, they face in the direction of Stonehenge, that arcane and mysterious circle of British stone. They can no longer make sacrifices on moonless nights because they no longer have hands. This is probably fortunate, if you have chickens or geese. You’d hate to lose your barnyard fowl to some sort of ritual. The lack of hands is the cause of the rather melancholy expression one so often sees on the face of a cow. There are, however, still rural Stonehenges scattered throughout America and certain parts of England. These circles of corn or barely were nudged into place over a long period of time by patient herds of cattle – the most religious, mysterious and clumsy of all barnyard animals. 