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Banana Slug Spirits
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/19/2014
Why is it when I kiss a banana slug my lips sometimes stick together?
———- from Sallie Greenthumb of Lake Oswego, OR
No matter how overwhelmed with affection you become, you must never kiss a banana slug. It’s dangerous for you: a near-sighted slug may mistake your tongue for a fellow creature and fall in love with it. And it’s dangerous for the slug. The banana slug is a free spirit, sort of like that touring folksinger we all once “knew.” It comes in the night, goes with the wind, it can never be tamed or possessed. Kissing a banana slug only creates a false sense of dependency. A slug cannot be tied down and must forever roam free. If you haven’t obtained your free copy of “The Banana Slug Owner’s Handbook” from the SPCA, I urge you to do so. Unless you have the right attitude, your banana slug – with or without guitar – will break your heart.
No matter how overwhelmed with affection you become, you must never kiss a banana slug. It’s dangerous for you: a near-sighted slug may mistake your tongue for a fellow creature and fall in love with it. And it’s dangerous for the slug. The banana slug is a free spirit, sort of like that touring folksinger we all once “knew.” It comes in the night, goes with the wind, it can never be tamed or possessed. Kissing a banana slug only creates a false sense of dependency. A slug cannot be tied down and must forever roam free. If you haven’t obtained your free copy of “The Banana Slug Owner’s Handbook” from the SPCA, I urge you to do so. Unless you have the right attitude, your banana slug – with or without guitar – will break your heart. Grizzly Bear Habits
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/17/2014
Why do grizzly bears in Wyoming and Montana only eat non-residents? Virtually no citizen in our two states has ever been eaten – just non-residents!
———- from Alan B. of rural Montana
This is a problem that baffles science and causes a park ranger’s hair to turn gray overnight. There seems to be something about a vacation that causes the IQ to drop about 20 points. A mysterious urge comes over the tourist to pose with the grizzly bear – even, so I’ve heard, putting young children on the backs of bears or feeding bears by hand from picnic baskets. Through what science calls the Yogi Bear Syndrome, tourists with full cable television access apparently come to believe that a grizzly bear is “cute.” How a smelly half-ton of lumbering fur, teeth and claws can be thought cute is, indeed, a mystery. – thank goodness cable television has been banned in Wyoming and Montana. I recommend banning reruns of those Hanna Barbara shows; it might not clear up the problem, but both the park service and our nation’s airwaves would probably be grateful.
This is a problem that baffles science and causes a park ranger’s hair to turn gray overnight. There seems to be something about a vacation that causes the IQ to drop about 20 points. A mysterious urge comes over the tourist to pose with the grizzly bear – even, so I’ve heard, putting young children on the backs of bears or feeding bears by hand from picnic baskets. Through what science calls the Yogi Bear Syndrome, tourists with full cable television access apparently come to believe that a grizzly bear is “cute.” How a smelly half-ton of lumbering fur, teeth and claws can be thought cute is, indeed, a mystery. – thank goodness cable television has been banned in Wyoming and Montana. I recommend banning reruns of those Hanna Barbara shows; it might not clear up the problem, but both the park service and our nation’s airwaves would probably be grateful. Snowflake Similarities
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/14/2014
As winter approaches, I pause to wonder…is it really true no two snowflakes are alike?
———- from Mike Harrison ofFarmington Hills, MI
The comparison of ice crystals is just a way to get kids interested in science these days. It’s just like saying a thousand chimps in a thousand years could write a Shakespeare play or cramming a bunch of kids in a lab to make hydrogen bark. These educational techniques are good ways to get kids interested, but, frankly, I’m not going to put a thousand apes in my lab anymore than I’m going to go out with a microscope in subzero temperatures to compare the crystal structure of snowflakes. I still enjoy making hydrogen bark, though. On a snowy winter evening when there’s nothing on television and I’m bored with number crunching, I’ll whip up a bunch of hydrogen and make it bark all night long. As far as crystals go, I can’t help you. I had an Aunt Crystal and a girlfriend named Crystal who weren’t a bit alike, but I don’t suppose that proves anything.
The comparison of ice crystals is just a way to get kids interested in science these days. It’s just like saying a thousand chimps in a thousand years could write a Shakespeare play or cramming a bunch of kids in a lab to make hydrogen bark. These educational techniques are good ways to get kids interested, but, frankly, I’m not going to put a thousand apes in my lab anymore than I’m going to go out with a microscope in subzero temperatures to compare the crystal structure of snowflakes. I still enjoy making hydrogen bark, though. On a snowy winter evening when there’s nothing on television and I’m bored with number crunching, I’ll whip up a bunch of hydrogen and make it bark all night long. As far as crystals go, I can’t help you. I had an Aunt Crystal and a girlfriend named Crystal who weren’t a bit alike, but I don’t suppose that proves anything. All-Purpose Flashlights
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/12/2014
How do you operate one of those all-purpose flashlights? I tried to peel potatoes with it, and blow my nose on it but I must say, its all-purpose characteristics were less than satisfactory.
———- from Beth Cannon of Edmond, OK
I’ve faced this problem myself. The pants suit that said, “One size fits all”? When I tried to fit us all in it, it tore at the seams after just 4 people. A blatant rip off. And the paper towel dispenser that said “Rip down, tear up”? When I ripped it down and tore it up, my hands were still wet and there were reams of low grade paper and mangled machinery all over the floor. And what about those cans that say “Contents under pressure”? Why should I buy a can with anxious contents? There’s enough stress in the world. When I buy a can, it better have calm contents or nothing at all. I recommend you take your flashlight back and ask for a refund. Then again, if that’s your only purpose in returning it , hasn’t the flashlight succeeded?
I’ve faced this problem myself. The pants suit that said, “One size fits all”? When I tried to fit us all in it, it tore at the seams after just 4 people. A blatant rip off. And the paper towel dispenser that said “Rip down, tear up”? When I ripped it down and tore it up, my hands were still wet and there were reams of low grade paper and mangled machinery all over the floor. And what about those cans that say “Contents under pressure”? Why should I buy a can with anxious contents? There’s enough stress in the world. When I buy a can, it better have calm contents or nothing at all. I recommend you take your flashlight back and ask for a refund. Then again, if that’s your only purpose in returning it , hasn’t the flashlight succeeded? Mortician Radio
Posted by Dr. Science on 03/10/2014
Why do the announcers on most public radio stations sound like morticians? Is it because they’re talking about dead composers?
———- from Tom Erick of Spokane, WA
Most public radio stations recruit their staffs from schools of mortuary science, not surprisingly. Way back when public radio first started, the stations were constructed and operated by engineering students. And today many a station operates out of the fourth floor of the engineering building on the state university campus. But engineers had little interest in broadcasting, preferring to spend their time hunting elusive quarks. So the station hired drama students, who were good in the voice department but couldn’t be taught to run the equipment. Finally, they settled on future undertakers, who were diligent, spoke in well-modulated tones and weren’t depressed by playing the music of the dead. Hope I’ve answered your question.
Most public radio stations recruit their staffs from schools of mortuary science, not surprisingly. Way back when public radio first started, the stations were constructed and operated by engineering students. And today many a station operates out of the fourth floor of the engineering building on the state university campus. But engineers had little interest in broadcasting, preferring to spend their time hunting elusive quarks. So the station hired drama students, who were good in the voice department but couldn’t be taught to run the equipment. Finally, they settled on future undertakers, who were diligent, spoke in well-modulated tones and weren’t depressed by playing the music of the dead. Hope I’ve answered your question. 