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Pet Reincarnation
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/26/2014
Is there any way to bring someone’s pet cat back to life after you’ve run over it with your car?
———- from A. R. of Madison, WI
Sure, but it involves a lot of faith and at least a little work. Since all pets are essentially the same, all you have to do is disguise a stray pet to look like the newly deceased pet. This is easier when you stick to the same species. For example, it’s much easier to paint a tabby with some orange spots to make it a calico, if that’s the color and model you ran over. I once painted a Yorkshire terrier to resemble lop eared rabbit, but that took several tubes of epoxy and some minor surgery. Most pet owners don’t really pay much attention to their pets after the first few thrilling months of ownership and any changes in disposition or appearance can easily be explained away by flea or parasite infestation.
Sure, but it involves a lot of faith and at least a little work. Since all pets are essentially the same, all you have to do is disguise a stray pet to look like the newly deceased pet. This is easier when you stick to the same species. For example, it’s much easier to paint a tabby with some orange spots to make it a calico, if that’s the color and model you ran over. I once painted a Yorkshire terrier to resemble lop eared rabbit, but that took several tubes of epoxy and some minor surgery. Most pet owners don’t really pay much attention to their pets after the first few thrilling months of ownership and any changes in disposition or appearance can easily be explained away by flea or parasite infestation. Letter to the Editor
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/23/2014
If you write a letter to the editor, and the newspaper prints it, does thatmake you a published writer?
———- from Greg N. Foisy ofHalifax, Novia Scotia
Yes, indeedy. That’s why so many old codgers who live in shacks, rooming houses, and trailer courts are listed in the Who’s Who of Published American Writers. Many of them practice key duplication and are certified notary publics as well. Some are Amway dealers. Even the editors of the newspapers don’t read those letters, they leave that task to unpaid interns from the journalism departments of nearby colleges. Come to think of it, even they just skim the letters, looking for obscenity or libel problems. So being a published writer doesn’t guarantee any readers, but if that doesn’t bother you, then join the club.
Yes, indeedy. That’s why so many old codgers who live in shacks, rooming houses, and trailer courts are listed in the Who’s Who of Published American Writers. Many of them practice key duplication and are certified notary publics as well. Some are Amway dealers. Even the editors of the newspapers don’t read those letters, they leave that task to unpaid interns from the journalism departments of nearby colleges. Come to think of it, even they just skim the letters, looking for obscenity or libel problems. So being a published writer doesn’t guarantee any readers, but if that doesn’t bother you, then join the club.Stinky Question
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/21/2014
We stink! What brand of soap do you suggest we use?
———- from Daniel Easteep and Ashton Biggers ofGlasgow, KY
Thank you for sharing. Dr. Science is always happy to hear inappropriate self-disclosure. As one who shares your malady, I know the power of telling an uninterested audience your deepest, darkest secrets. Newfound friends can suddenly and unexpectedly disappear. That colleague you assumed thought highly of you will no longer return your phone calls. That appointment you thought was yours is given to someone obviously less qualified. What’s the problem? Lack of discretion. There is a time and a place for everything, and this is neither the time nor the place to talk about your lack of personal hygiene, much less mine.
Thank you for sharing. Dr. Science is always happy to hear inappropriate self-disclosure. As one who shares your malady, I know the power of telling an uninterested audience your deepest, darkest secrets. Newfound friends can suddenly and unexpectedly disappear. That colleague you assumed thought highly of you will no longer return your phone calls. That appointment you thought was yours is given to someone obviously less qualified. What’s the problem? Lack of discretion. There is a time and a place for everything, and this is neither the time nor the place to talk about your lack of personal hygiene, much less mine.Cow Philosophers
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/19/2014
Cows seem to have a lot of leisure time. What do they think about all day?
———- from Jim Land of Minneapolis, MN
Most are political analysts, and many are on the payrolls of conservative think tanks. Rumor has it that George Will was once a cow, and William Safire was a Wisconsin heifer of some repute. Dr. Edward Teller, the self-proclaimed “Father of the H-bomb” lived his final days on a bucolic Nebraska prairie, slowly chewing his cud and feeling vaguely guilty for his role in the arms race. I wouldn’t envy the cow its pastoral existence. What seems to be serenity is actually acute denial, and the deceptively tranquil scene of a massive beast blinking into the wind is that of a tortured soul longing to figure things out once and for all.
Most are political analysts, and many are on the payrolls of conservative think tanks. Rumor has it that George Will was once a cow, and William Safire was a Wisconsin heifer of some repute. Dr. Edward Teller, the self-proclaimed “Father of the H-bomb” lived his final days on a bucolic Nebraska prairie, slowly chewing his cud and feeling vaguely guilty for his role in the arms race. I wouldn’t envy the cow its pastoral existence. What seems to be serenity is actually acute denial, and the deceptively tranquil scene of a massive beast blinking into the wind is that of a tortured soul longing to figure things out once and for all. Why Microsoft Won’t Fund Us
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/16/2014
Is Bill Gates a real person or, like Betty Crocker or Uncle Sam, some sort of business or government character to boost sales or enhance product identity? What is his relationship to Diana Ross?
———- from Bruce Belkin of Marikina City, Philippines
Just as Sonny and Cher were flip sides of the same coin, so are Bill Gates and Diana Ross the same person. Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jackson is in no way related to Ms. Ross or Mr. Gates, but is a distant third cousin twice removed of Cliff Edwards, the voice of Jiminy Cricket. Betty Crocker and Uncle Sam were the stage names of Betty Furness and Durwood Kirby, who were practically household names back in the early fifties, depending on the household. By the way, comedian Flip Wilson invented the first programming language, BASIC, in his backstage dressing room, working on an early PET computer.
Just as Sonny and Cher were flip sides of the same coin, so are Bill Gates and Diana Ross the same person. Contrary to popular belief, Michael Jackson is in no way related to Ms. Ross or Mr. Gates, but is a distant third cousin twice removed of Cliff Edwards, the voice of Jiminy Cricket. Betty Crocker and Uncle Sam were the stage names of Betty Furness and Durwood Kirby, who were practically household names back in the early fifties, depending on the household. By the way, comedian Flip Wilson invented the first programming language, BASIC, in his backstage dressing room, working on an early PET computer. 