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The History of Fizzies
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/06/2014
What ever happened to Fizzies?
———- from Donna Marmorstein of Aberdeen, SD
Is it mere coincidence that Fizzies hit the market at the same time our manufacture of nuclear warheads was at an all-time high? Or that radioactive waste disposal suddenly became less of a problem when the bitter, fizzy pills became the latest consumer craze? No, there are no coincidences when the Military Industrial complex and the Marketplace meet. I had the good sense to stock up on Fizzies, and have warehoused several hundred thousand of them in my lab storage areas. Whenever I need a cheap source of radioactive Iridium, I simply pop open a raspberry flavored fizzie, and drop it in a beaker of hydrochloric acid.
Is it mere coincidence that Fizzies hit the market at the same time our manufacture of nuclear warheads was at an all-time high? Or that radioactive waste disposal suddenly became less of a problem when the bitter, fizzy pills became the latest consumer craze? No, there are no coincidences when the Military Industrial complex and the Marketplace meet. I had the good sense to stock up on Fizzies, and have warehoused several hundred thousand of them in my lab storage areas. Whenever I need a cheap source of radioactive Iridium, I simply pop open a raspberry flavored fizzie, and drop it in a beaker of hydrochloric acid. Rabid Toothpaste
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/04/2014
If you brushed your teeth with baking soda and then rinsed with vinegar, would your mouth foam up like a rabid animal?
———- from Sarah Cady of Sioux Falls, SD
That’s how the Walt Disney special effects people made Old Yeller seem hydrophobic. The hardest part of preparing the illusion was getting the dog to brush with baking soda. Fooling the beast into biting a rabbit-shaped, vinegar-filled balloon was a snap. We have the dog and the effects crew to thank for the new baking soda flavored toothpastes that are now flooding the market. It was their initial research that proved it could be done, and it only took forty years to get the packaging and advertising right. Now, when you want to cop a rabid look, you can just brush with a baking soda toothpaste before you gargle with vinegar. Wearing a straight jacket rounds out the illusion, and braying like a mule as well as snarling makes for a convincing performance.
That’s how the Walt Disney special effects people made Old Yeller seem hydrophobic. The hardest part of preparing the illusion was getting the dog to brush with baking soda. Fooling the beast into biting a rabbit-shaped, vinegar-filled balloon was a snap. We have the dog and the effects crew to thank for the new baking soda flavored toothpastes that are now flooding the market. It was their initial research that proved it could be done, and it only took forty years to get the packaging and advertising right. Now, when you want to cop a rabid look, you can just brush with a baking soda toothpaste before you gargle with vinegar. Wearing a straight jacket rounds out the illusion, and braying like a mule as well as snarling makes for a convincing performance. Mom’s Microwave
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/02/2014
What are microwave telephones? I thought microwaves were for zapping cold water into coffee. Can I call my Mom on my microwave?
———- from Barbara the ever questioning librarian of Nashville, TN
You can call your mother using your microwave, and escape most long distance charges, but you have to be willing to watch a small rotating image of your mother, glowing red and sparking. In between your mother’ screams, you might be able to tell her about your new boyfriend or your latest advancement at work, but don’t expect her to be paying attention, because the oven door will muffle your voice, and such irradiation is very painful. It’s only your virtual Mom you’ll be roasting, of course, but still, she is your mother. I guess it depends on how badly you want to save money on long distance.
You can call your mother using your microwave, and escape most long distance charges, but you have to be willing to watch a small rotating image of your mother, glowing red and sparking. In between your mother’ screams, you might be able to tell her about your new boyfriend or your latest advancement at work, but don’t expect her to be paying attention, because the oven door will muffle your voice, and such irradiation is very painful. It’s only your virtual Mom you’ll be roasting, of course, but still, she is your mother. I guess it depends on how badly you want to save money on long distance. Where’s the Beef?
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/30/2014
Could there ever really be a river of beef?
———- from Nick Webb of North Brunswick, NJ
Just west of Omaha, along a two lane blacktop that stretches westward to the Rockies, there is a small stream that is a dry gulch for most of the year. Sometime between Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day, a miraculous event occurs. Seemingly overnight, the gulch is filled to the brim with beef and beef by products. Chuck steaks, rib eye, sirloin tip and assorted chunks of tripe ooze towards the ocean with a lazy, bubbling motion. You won’t find it on any map, but the odor is unmistakable. I suppose it depends which side of the fence you straddle, farmer or rancher, but I guarantee one visit will make you a vegetarian for life.
Just west of Omaha, along a two lane blacktop that stretches westward to the Rockies, there is a small stream that is a dry gulch for most of the year. Sometime between Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day, a miraculous event occurs. Seemingly overnight, the gulch is filled to the brim with beef and beef by products. Chuck steaks, rib eye, sirloin tip and assorted chunks of tripe ooze towards the ocean with a lazy, bubbling motion. You won’t find it on any map, but the odor is unmistakable. I suppose it depends which side of the fence you straddle, farmer or rancher, but I guarantee one visit will make you a vegetarian for life. An Explanation for Laughter
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/28/2014
How come even though sometimes your answers are not only not funny, but stupid, I laugh anyway?
———- from Angela St. John of Columbia Falls, MT
Laughter is an involuntary reflex of the soptic nerve, a thin cord that stretches from the Pons Idiosa to the Magellenic Clouds of the lower back. When faced with a seemingly irreconcilable absurdity, the cord stretches to the snapping point. What follows is either laughter or death, depending on the severity of the absurdity. That’s why each and every answer I give to your stupidity is first examined by the Undertaker’s Laboratory to insure that it will not stretch the soptic nerve beyond the snapping point. Science facts should not be lethal.
Laughter is an involuntary reflex of the soptic nerve, a thin cord that stretches from the Pons Idiosa to the Magellenic Clouds of the lower back. When faced with a seemingly irreconcilable absurdity, the cord stretches to the snapping point. What follows is either laughter or death, depending on the severity of the absurdity. That’s why each and every answer I give to your stupidity is first examined by the Undertaker’s Laboratory to insure that it will not stretch the soptic nerve beyond the snapping point. Science facts should not be lethal. 