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Curled Toes
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/13/2014
Why do our toes curl during moments of pleasure?
———- from Rosanna R. of Santa Barbara, CA
It’s not the toes that curl. Our bodies curl, but an optical illusion caused by the greater mass of the torso makes the toes appear to curl. The few times I’ve felt pleasure, well, I’ve been alone, leafing through a table of random numbers or, as I recall, making hydrogen bark. Another time along in the lab, I was on the brink of some bold new thought, and the inspiration provided such pleasure that my body curled suddenly. . . . bringing my head forward into the lab equipment and causing unconsciousness. When I came to, I’d forgotten my thought. As a result, I have had my toes removed and replaced with digital digits. Now I no longer feel any excitement at all. Ask any of my ex-wives.
It’s not the toes that curl. Our bodies curl, but an optical illusion caused by the greater mass of the torso makes the toes appear to curl. The few times I’ve felt pleasure, well, I’ve been alone, leafing through a table of random numbers or, as I recall, making hydrogen bark. Another time along in the lab, I was on the brink of some bold new thought, and the inspiration provided such pleasure that my body curled suddenly. . . . bringing my head forward into the lab equipment and causing unconsciousness. When I came to, I’d forgotten my thought. As a result, I have had my toes removed and replaced with digital digits. Now I no longer feel any excitement at all. Ask any of my ex-wives.Worm Sweat
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/10/2014
Do Worms Sweat?
———- from Alexis Nelson of Ann Arbor, Michigan
Of course, they sweat. Worms provided me with my introduction to science. As a small child, I would crawl across the lawn at night in pursuit of these elusive invertebrates. Other children would use worms as fish bait, but my goals were exclusively scientific. I can’t remember my exact experiments today ? they’re a distant blur of low voltage shocks, pin pricks and lighter fluid ? but I can say conclusively that worms do sweat. That’s why worms are so clean. Sweat, of course, is the body’s attempt to flush dirt away and filthy starts when sweating stops. To maintain hermetic cleanliness, I recommend running in place at all times, while constantly drinking warm beer. Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness, godliness is next to science, and science, of course, is next to worms.
Of course, they sweat. Worms provided me with my introduction to science. As a small child, I would crawl across the lawn at night in pursuit of these elusive invertebrates. Other children would use worms as fish bait, but my goals were exclusively scientific. I can’t remember my exact experiments today ? they’re a distant blur of low voltage shocks, pin pricks and lighter fluid ? but I can say conclusively that worms do sweat. That’s why worms are so clean. Sweat, of course, is the body’s attempt to flush dirt away and filthy starts when sweating stops. To maintain hermetic cleanliness, I recommend running in place at all times, while constantly drinking warm beer. Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness, godliness is next to science, and science, of course, is next to worms.Four Little Questions
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/08/2014
Where do puppies go when they die? If there is a God, why do innocent people suffer? How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Why is grass green?
———- from Little Andy Rooney of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
Puppies go to puppy heaven when they die, unless they’ve been bad, like most Yorkshire terriers, then they go to doggy hell. Good people suffer as a test of their belief in God, I’m told. I recommend the Book of Job on that one. If my memory serves me right, it’s 13 angels that can dance on the head of a pin. Why is grass green? Well, Andy, color is the interpretation of our central nervous system of the effect produced on the eye by the electromagnetic radiation of a unit of light. Glad to help out.
Puppies go to puppy heaven when they die, unless they’ve been bad, like most Yorkshire terriers, then they go to doggy hell. Good people suffer as a test of their belief in God, I’m told. I recommend the Book of Job on that one. If my memory serves me right, it’s 13 angels that can dance on the head of a pin. Why is grass green? Well, Andy, color is the interpretation of our central nervous system of the effect produced on the eye by the electromagnetic radiation of a unit of light. Glad to help out.Intelligent Terriers
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/06/2014
My Yorkshire terrier, Breezy, is very bright. She can tell the difference between Kramer and the others on TV’s Seinfeld. She growls when Kramer is on and falls asleep during other portions of the program. Now I read where chimpanzees have been trained to talk to people through computers. Do you think my Yorkie would be eligible for a similar type of program?
———- from Mrs. Seymour Daly of Casper, Wyoming
Very doubtful, Mrs. D. Dogs and chimps are different creatures. Apes have thumbs for one thing and they don’t have the irritating little yelps that Yorkies possess. If your Breezy watched 60 Minutes or Masterpiece Theater instead of Seinfeld, there might be evidence of intelligence that would warrant further testing. But, the way things stand now, I would advise you have the nasty little creature put to sleep.
Very doubtful, Mrs. D. Dogs and chimps are different creatures. Apes have thumbs for one thing and they don’t have the irritating little yelps that Yorkies possess. If your Breezy watched 60 Minutes or Masterpiece Theater instead of Seinfeld, there might be evidence of intelligence that would warrant further testing. But, the way things stand now, I would advise you have the nasty little creature put to sleep.Wisdom Teeth
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/03/2014
Why do teenagers get wisdom teeth?
———- from Lisa Lindert of Sacramento, CA
Teens simply need them more than adults. The tooth fairy knows this. That’s why the tooth fairy uses your baby teeth to make wisdom teeth. The quarters the grateful tooth fairy leaves under your pillow are small payment indeed for the precious raw materials you provide for this important work. Without your baby teeth, wisdom teeth would have to be made of rugged ABS plastic ? durable enough, sure, but incapable of bonding with the trace elements of gray matter necessary to make wisdom teeth wise. If I were a kid today (and given the current market), I’d hold out for more than a quarter a tooth. With inflation and labor costs, I wouldn’t let those baby teeth go for anything less than ten bucks. Keep the teeth if you don’t get the price. You might grow up stupid, but at least you won’t be a sap. Go on strike, kids, and tell Mom Dr. Science sent you.
Teens simply need them more than adults. The tooth fairy knows this. That’s why the tooth fairy uses your baby teeth to make wisdom teeth. The quarters the grateful tooth fairy leaves under your pillow are small payment indeed for the precious raw materials you provide for this important work. Without your baby teeth, wisdom teeth would have to be made of rugged ABS plastic ? durable enough, sure, but incapable of bonding with the trace elements of gray matter necessary to make wisdom teeth wise. If I were a kid today (and given the current market), I’d hold out for more than a quarter a tooth. With inflation and labor costs, I wouldn’t let those baby teeth go for anything less than ten bucks. Keep the teeth if you don’t get the price. You might grow up stupid, but at least you won’t be a sap. Go on strike, kids, and tell Mom Dr. Science sent you.