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Love and War
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/22/2013
Is all really fair in love and war?
———- from Karren Guthrie of Colorado Springs, CO
Love and war are essentially the same activity, so whatever rules apply to one also apply to the other. The protocol differs. In love, you kneel and slip a ring on someone’s finger, while in war you lie prone in a ditch and fire a rifle at someone a hundred yards away. Once hostilities have reached a certain level, you need outside help. In love, this involves seeing a therapist, but in war, it involves UN troops. Often the end result is the same, helicopters hovering over your house, your dirty laundry aired on the nightly news, and a financial hit that impacts everyone involved for years to come.
Laughing Cows
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/20/2013
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
———- from Greg McVerry of San Francisco, CA
Only if she was drinking milk at the time someone told a joke. The stupider the joke, the greater the force and volume of the effluviant. They say that Wisconsin Public Radio refuses to carry my show just so cows in that most dairy of states will stay on task, and avoid nasal regurgitation. Most cows can’t stand milk. They much prefer a highly carbonated, caffeinated soft drink. Many cows simply refuse to give milk without first drinking a few gallons of the stuff. Often you’ll see a beverage truck parked outside a dairy barn, delivering case after case of sweetend bubbly water that will just end up being snorted onto the hay once the cow realizes the inherent absurdity of her condition.
Running in Public Office
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/17/2013
Since being elected to public office, I’ve found that I enjoy running. Problem is, little rocks find their way into my running shoes. I never had this problem before I got involved in politics. What can I do to stop this from happening?
———- from Tom DeWolfe of Bend, OR
Appoint a committee to spend a year studying the problem, then an hire an outside consultant to spend another year reviewing the committee’s findings. Take a year or more to study the consultant’s review of the committee’s work, then put the whole matter on the back burner while you devote all your energies to getting re-elected. Once you’re re-elected, this whole gravel in the running shoe thing will be old business and neither you nor your constituents will have the slightest interest in dredging up something they were bored by four years earlier. If you’re going to take up running, wear huaraches, like the Tarahumara of Northwestern Mexico. The pebbles slip right out while you run and, since they’re made out of old tires, they last forever!
What’s Atlas Standing On?
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/15/2013
If Atlas is holding the world on his shoulders, what is he standing on?
———- from John Shivey of Hendersonville, NC
He’s actually kneeling, begging for someone to remove this heavy load from his shoulders. Fortunately, he’s kneeling on a thick pile carpet of quarks and leptons, the sub-sub atomic buildings blocks of the universe. Even that can cause knee burn and that’s why the big guy is so miserable. But he’s not having any luck getting someone to help him. Fact is, no one wants to carry all the world’s problems. We’ve grown selfish over the millennia, and now all anyone wants to worry about is his own ball of wax.
The Emergency Broadcast System
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/13/2013
My family and I live in earthquake country. Often on the radio I hear the emergency warning broadcasts, with the nerve wracking scream they play for about ten seconds. When an earthquake strikes, I’m often listening to the radio, but I’ve never heard this annoying announcement or the scream when an earthquake actually happens. How come?
———- from Bill Sturgeon of Petrolia, CA
