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Yellow Journalism
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/09/2013
Why do old books and newspapers turn yellow?
———- from Warren K. of Manchester MI
The subject matter determines the degree of decomposition of the paper. Even the highest quality vellum will turn yellow, then brown if what’s printed on it concerns the sex lives of celebrities. Lofty writing like that of Emerson, Thoreau or Dr. Science can be printed on the cheapest newsprint and still look shiny-new after centuries. In fact, it may surprise you to know that the scripts for the Ask Dr. Science show are often simply scribbled onto toilet paper in an inspired moment. Then these are carefully wadded into the pocket of my lab coat until the moment arrives for me to face either the microphone or the computer screen. Later, these original scripts are carefully archived in Plexiglas file cabinets that hold a near vacuum. I suspect they’ll be accessible to researchers long after I’ve turned into selenium dust. And I wouldn’t recommend printing out my answers in yellow ink; it’s unreadable, for one thing, and the Dr. Science e-mail service is dot matrix-compatible only. Bubbles, jets and lasers just don’t cut the scientific mustard, which also is yellow, ironically.
The subject matter determines the degree of decomposition of the paper. Even the highest quality vellum will turn yellow, then brown if what’s printed on it concerns the sex lives of celebrities. Lofty writing like that of Emerson, Thoreau or Dr. Science can be printed on the cheapest newsprint and still look shiny-new after centuries. In fact, it may surprise you to know that the scripts for the Ask Dr. Science show are often simply scribbled onto toilet paper in an inspired moment. Then these are carefully wadded into the pocket of my lab coat until the moment arrives for me to face either the microphone or the computer screen. Later, these original scripts are carefully archived in Plexiglas file cabinets that hold a near vacuum. I suspect they’ll be accessible to researchers long after I’ve turned into selenium dust. And I wouldn’t recommend printing out my answers in yellow ink; it’s unreadable, for one thing, and the Dr. Science e-mail service is dot matrix-compatible only. Bubbles, jets and lasers just don’t cut the scientific mustard, which also is yellow, ironically. The Social Scientist
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/07/2013
Is the term social scientist an oxymoron?
———- from John Swisher of Columbia MO
While it’s true that all scientists are by their nature anti-social, a social scientist is not a real scientist. Therefore, the answer to your question is an unqualified “no”. A social scientist is as much a real scientist as a library scientist is. Both professions obviously cater to those without the brain power to handle the rigors of higher mathematics and the disciplined thought demanded by true science. Your average social scientist is the kind of a guy who likes to dress in a lab coat and dance alone in front of a mirror. He’ll practice his Nobel Prize acceptance speech when he’s in the shower. Deep down, of course, he knows that this is all just fantasy, but what else can he do when his own work is so unrewarding?
While it’s true that all scientists are by their nature anti-social, a social scientist is not a real scientist. Therefore, the answer to your question is an unqualified “no”. A social scientist is as much a real scientist as a library scientist is. Both professions obviously cater to those without the brain power to handle the rigors of higher mathematics and the disciplined thought demanded by true science. Your average social scientist is the kind of a guy who likes to dress in a lab coat and dance alone in front of a mirror. He’ll practice his Nobel Prize acceptance speech when he’s in the shower. Deep down, of course, he knows that this is all just fantasy, but what else can he do when his own work is so unrewarding? Fuzzy Dice
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/04/2013
Do fuzzy dice obey the laws of probability?
———- from Peggy Egli of Rosevill,e MN
Not at all, of course; that’s why they’re fuzzy dice. Originally, these were casino dice in Vegas. The scientific process of being smashed day in and day out into the walls of craps tables rendered the spotted ivories daft. They became delusional, developing a grandiose self image. Some dice in this condition actually become soothsayers, appearing at New Age mystical workshops all over the country. Others wrote self-help books and can be seen on morning talk shows peppily spouting nonsense and winning approval from the masses. But the end of the line for all these deluded dice is, pure and simple, fuzz. Yes, their fuzzy thinking becomes a fuzzy coating, and they end up dangling from the rear view mirrors for Fonzie and American Graffiti wannabees everywhere.
Not at all, of course; that’s why they’re fuzzy dice. Originally, these were casino dice in Vegas. The scientific process of being smashed day in and day out into the walls of craps tables rendered the spotted ivories daft. They became delusional, developing a grandiose self image. Some dice in this condition actually become soothsayers, appearing at New Age mystical workshops all over the country. Others wrote self-help books and can be seen on morning talk shows peppily spouting nonsense and winning approval from the masses. But the end of the line for all these deluded dice is, pure and simple, fuzz. Yes, their fuzzy thinking becomes a fuzzy coating, and they end up dangling from the rear view mirrors for Fonzie and American Graffiti wannabees everywhere. Antiproton Shortage
Posted by Dr. Science on 10/02/2013
I’ve read that there’s an antiproton shortage affecting anti-matter research. Where can we get more antiprotons, anyway?
———- from Dave Berglund of Mishawaka, IN
You’re in luck. They’re on sale this week at Wal-Mart. Buy ’em by the sack and save, just like you used to be able to do at the five-and-dime but Woolworth’s was another scarred era of my youth. Oh, your question? Of course, the main thing you want of do is keep them away from protons. Let an antiproton near one of those pesky protons and you’ve got a potential nuclear winter on your hands. Fortunately, most protons are huddled in proton globs deep beneath the arctic poles. But leave it to some National Geographic type to dig a hole in the ice, bring a bunch of protons home and then go shopping at Wal-Mart. I tell you, you can’t win. Might as well stick your head in the target end of a linear accelerator some days.
You’re in luck. They’re on sale this week at Wal-Mart. Buy ’em by the sack and save, just like you used to be able to do at the five-and-dime but Woolworth’s was another scarred era of my youth. Oh, your question? Of course, the main thing you want of do is keep them away from protons. Let an antiproton near one of those pesky protons and you’ve got a potential nuclear winter on your hands. Fortunately, most protons are huddled in proton globs deep beneath the arctic poles. But leave it to some National Geographic type to dig a hole in the ice, bring a bunch of protons home and then go shopping at Wal-Mart. I tell you, you can’t win. Might as well stick your head in the target end of a linear accelerator some days. Mood Rings
Posted by Dr. Science on 09/30/2013
Hey, so whatever happened to mood rings, dude?
———- from Charlie Wilson of Menomonee, Wisconsin
You can never really lose a mood ring. You can, however, lose your mind due to stress, a history of substance abuse or neurological damage. The funny and endearing thing about mood rings is their ability to read your mood even if you’ve misplaced your mind. Many psychotic scientists wear mood rings to assure their subjects that somebody’s still home. In fact, mood rings have been shown to be capable of creating moods for certain people incapable of feeling. The IRS recently purchased a whole trainload of leftover mood rings, which will simulate emotions during audits. Now, that’s progress!
You can never really lose a mood ring. You can, however, lose your mind due to stress, a history of substance abuse or neurological damage. The funny and endearing thing about mood rings is their ability to read your mood even if you’ve misplaced your mind. Many psychotic scientists wear mood rings to assure their subjects that somebody’s still home. In fact, mood rings have been shown to be capable of creating moods for certain people incapable of feeling. The IRS recently purchased a whole trainload of leftover mood rings, which will simulate emotions during audits. Now, that’s progress! 