Bated Breath
What is bated breath? I think I might have it, and I’m worried. Can my dentist help?
———- from Mickey Bitsco of Taconite Falls, MN
No! Your dentist is in dire need of help; otherwise, he wouldn’t be a dentist. Bated breath is horrible, of course, and your dentist knows this. Imagine having to gaze into the mouths of complete strangers, while drilling little holes in their teeth. Yuck. Here’s how you can simulate the experience, okay? Ask a friend to fill their mouth with nightcrawlers. This will approximate baited breath. Then drag a rusty screwdriver over that person’s ivories, all the while keeping up a non-stop monologue describing your last vacation. When you’ve run out of steam, summon the nerve to charge your victim for your services. If you can do this successfully, maybe you should skip dentistry and go straight into psychiatry. It pays even better, and equipment costs are lots lower.
No! Your dentist is in dire need of help; otherwise, he wouldn’t be a dentist. Bated breath is horrible, of course, and your dentist knows this. Imagine having to gaze into the mouths of complete strangers, while drilling little holes in their teeth. Yuck. Here’s how you can simulate the experience, okay? Ask a friend to fill their mouth with nightcrawlers. This will approximate baited breath. Then drag a rusty screwdriver over that person’s ivories, all the while keeping up a non-stop monologue describing your last vacation. When you’ve run out of steam, summon the nerve to charge your victim for your services. If you can do this successfully, maybe you should skip dentistry and go straight into psychiatry. It pays even better, and equipment costs are lots lower. 