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The Human Soul
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/22/2012
Despite many operations, my fellow physicians and I have never found the human soul. What does it look like? Where is it? If I should ever meet one, what should I say?
———- from Dr. P.R. of Winston-Salem, NC
The soul lives in the small intestines and varies in size from 3 to 12 inches in height. A good soul flies out of the mouth to heaven, which looks a lot like certain parts of Mexico. A bad soul descends to Hell, which resembles a quadruplex cinema at a shopping mall, all showing a bad print of “Flipper”, “Dune” or perhaps “The Coneheads.” Now a soul in purgatory looks oddly like a Care Bear, and Purgatory itself, of course, resembles a bin in a five and ten cent store. What do you say to a soul? Try “Hello” or “Hey, how’s it going?” But don’t be miffed if the soul clams up on you. A soul is, after all, mostly ectoplasm and spirit and doesn’t have much to offer in the way of conversation. But, then, neither does Flipper, come to think of it.
The soul lives in the small intestines and varies in size from 3 to 12 inches in height. A good soul flies out of the mouth to heaven, which looks a lot like certain parts of Mexico. A bad soul descends to Hell, which resembles a quadruplex cinema at a shopping mall, all showing a bad print of “Flipper”, “Dune” or perhaps “The Coneheads.” Now a soul in purgatory looks oddly like a Care Bear, and Purgatory itself, of course, resembles a bin in a five and ten cent store. What do you say to a soul? Try “Hello” or “Hey, how’s it going?” But don’t be miffed if the soul clams up on you. A soul is, after all, mostly ectoplasm and spirit and doesn’t have much to offer in the way of conversation. But, then, neither does Flipper, come to think of it. La Brea Tar Pits
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/20/2012
How did all that tar get in the La Brea tar pits?
———- from Rose Meade of Los Angeles
With really big trucks. These trucks, called “Gobots,” were once the rulers of the earth. They carried sand to the beach, tar to the La Brea pits and coals to Newcastle. Unfortunately, primitive Yorkshire terriers ate the Gobot eggs. Disgruntled, the Gobots took the time to build the pyramids but then flew away. The fact that all this happened when a meteor hit the earth is purely coincidental. While the Gobots were filling the pits with tar, they’d break for lunch throwing leftovers into the pit. This explains the presence of bones there. It also explains why, even though the pits are located in Los Angeles, no Mercedes have ever been found in them. (A primitive BMW tire was once retrieved, however.) This has all been proven, finally unseating the “giant grasshopper spit” tar pit theory we all learned in graduate school. We can only hope that before this planet is worn out that the Gobots will come back and rebuild it for us.
With really big trucks. These trucks, called “Gobots,” were once the rulers of the earth. They carried sand to the beach, tar to the La Brea pits and coals to Newcastle. Unfortunately, primitive Yorkshire terriers ate the Gobot eggs. Disgruntled, the Gobots took the time to build the pyramids but then flew away. The fact that all this happened when a meteor hit the earth is purely coincidental. While the Gobots were filling the pits with tar, they’d break for lunch throwing leftovers into the pit. This explains the presence of bones there. It also explains why, even though the pits are located in Los Angeles, no Mercedes have ever been found in them. (A primitive BMW tire was once retrieved, however.) This has all been proven, finally unseating the “giant grasshopper spit” tar pit theory we all learned in graduate school. We can only hope that before this planet is worn out that the Gobots will come back and rebuild it for us. Dr. Science Memory Lapse
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/17/2012
For a long time, my colleagues and I at the cognitive psychology lab have listened to your science tutorials, now being bandied about the Internet as well. Why is it we can’t remember either your questions or answers for more than thirty seconds after they’re broadcast?
———- from John Kurschke of UC/Berkeley
The Ask Dr. Science radio show relies on a new, improved form of information transmission. This form, called “Nonsense” appeals to the right brain, intuitive, non-cognitive areas of your biocomputer (or “brain”). Now this is the same area utilized by the writers of the old television series “Green Acres,” as well as by the Pentagon as it devises new weapons to insure peace. Unfortunately, long-term memory ins not a strong point for this kind of irrationality. This is why it is so important to either listen to my show or download my answers every day. So, you see, the next best thing to knowing what I’m talking about is to just listen to the rise and fall of my voice — or stare at the computer screen for at least two minutes — and know, deep down, that everything is all right.
The Ask Dr. Science radio show relies on a new, improved form of information transmission. This form, called “Nonsense” appeals to the right brain, intuitive, non-cognitive areas of your biocomputer (or “brain”). Now this is the same area utilized by the writers of the old television series “Green Acres,” as well as by the Pentagon as it devises new weapons to insure peace. Unfortunately, long-term memory ins not a strong point for this kind of irrationality. This is why it is so important to either listen to my show or download my answers every day. So, you see, the next best thing to knowing what I’m talking about is to just listen to the rise and fall of my voice — or stare at the computer screen for at least two minutes — and know, deep down, that everything is all right. Tire Air
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/15/2012
Every autumn, my mechanic says I have to take the summer air out of my tires and put in winter air. Why is this? Is it just a scam being pulled off by the air industry?
———- from Klickity Klack of Boston, MA
Leaving summer air in your tires is extremely dangerous. It will result in your car continually heading south. After allowing your attention to lapse on a freeway, you’ll soon find yourself at the beach. Your radio will play nothing but the Beach Boys and your windows will keep rolling down by themselves. Summer air in your tires puts your car in the mood for long, frivolous trips, while winter air dulls your tires’ senses and makes those routine trips to work and back possible. A winter car with summer air in its tires will often leap from an overpass as it hallucinates a mountain lake, or roll on its back on the freeway kicking its wheels in the air like a happy puppy. Summer air can be fun but only at the appropriate time, and in moderation. So, please, take your mechanic’s advice. After all, he is a scientist.
Leaving summer air in your tires is extremely dangerous. It will result in your car continually heading south. After allowing your attention to lapse on a freeway, you’ll soon find yourself at the beach. Your radio will play nothing but the Beach Boys and your windows will keep rolling down by themselves. Summer air in your tires puts your car in the mood for long, frivolous trips, while winter air dulls your tires’ senses and makes those routine trips to work and back possible. A winter car with summer air in its tires will often leap from an overpass as it hallucinates a mountain lake, or roll on its back on the freeway kicking its wheels in the air like a happy puppy. Summer air can be fun but only at the appropriate time, and in moderation. So, please, take your mechanic’s advice. After all, he is a scientist. The Bitter Truth About Dolby
Posted by Dr. Science on 08/13/2012
Isn’t it time you told people the truth about Dolby noise reduction? As anyone can tell, the Dolby is a noise maker. When you think it’s off, it’s really on, making an irritating hiss. When you think you’ve turned the Dolby on, you’re really turned it off, giving the impression of a big improvement. Why don’t you ever mention this?
———- from Leon Lukaszewski of Walnut Creek
Come off it, Ray. I know that this is really a message from Ray Dolby, the inventor of Dolby noise reduction. And let me tell you that you can’t expect to get free publicity from me with your fake controversial questions to Dr. Science. No, both the public and I are too sophisticated to be hoodwinked that way. As any movie-goer knows, Dolby sound is the process that allows overly loud noises to swish around the theater, making movie watching so annoying. So, the next time you get a headache at a bargain matinee, don’t blame Hollywood, blame Ray Dolby.
Come off it, Ray. I know that this is really a message from Ray Dolby, the inventor of Dolby noise reduction. And let me tell you that you can’t expect to get free publicity from me with your fake controversial questions to Dr. Science. No, both the public and I are too sophisticated to be hoodwinked that way. As any movie-goer knows, Dolby sound is the process that allows overly loud noises to swish around the theater, making movie watching so annoying. So, the next time you get a headache at a bargain matinee, don’t blame Hollywood, blame Ray Dolby. 