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Delusions of Grandeur
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/26/2013
What is the opposite of delusions of grandeur?
———- from Barringer of St. Clair Shores , MI
Chronic feelings of shame and guilt. I know it’s hard to believe, but I felt that way for most of my life. Then I discovered Magnesium Chromate, the salt that makes food taste better and life worth living. Having trouble sleeping? Just guzzle a quart of Magnesium Chromate solution and you’ll be out of commission for a week! But that’s not all! I’m not sure when the realization hit me, but one day I came to believe that I’m not responsible for starting World War II! My indifference had nothing to do with the rise or fall of international communism. Thanks to Magnesium Chromate, the only delusion I indulge in is that not all my problems can be solved by taking this miracle supplement. The next voice you hear will tell you how to order!
Chronic feelings of shame and guilt. I know it’s hard to believe, but I felt that way for most of my life. Then I discovered Magnesium Chromate, the salt that makes food taste better and life worth living. Having trouble sleeping? Just guzzle a quart of Magnesium Chromate solution and you’ll be out of commission for a week! But that’s not all! I’m not sure when the realization hit me, but one day I came to believe that I’m not responsible for starting World War II! My indifference had nothing to do with the rise or fall of international communism. Thanks to Magnesium Chromate, the only delusion I indulge in is that not all my problems can be solved by taking this miracle supplement. The next voice you hear will tell you how to order! The Internet and Hair Growth
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/24/2013
Since I have started “surfing” the hair has stopped growing on top of my head and now there is excessive hair growth in both my ears. Also, I have picked up the phone before while “on-line” and heard my computer talking to another computer. I could not understand a thing they were saying to each other. After just a minute of listening the computers stopped talking and hung up on each other. Is there some sort of conspiracy here? Did the computers think I was eavesdropping on them and trying to break their secret language? Is that why they hung up?
———- from Erich Schroeder of Plymouth, Minnesota
I’ve got to hand it to you, you’re the last true Sensitive, as they used to call poets with a nervous condition that kept them from doing real work. Yes, your computer is cheating on you, professing loyalty to you one moment and the next ridiculing you to the whole web. Buy some Rogaine, take a Dale Carnegie course, and get your life back on track while there’s still time.
I’ve got to hand it to you, you’re the last true Sensitive, as they used to call poets with a nervous condition that kept them from doing real work. Yes, your computer is cheating on you, professing loyalty to you one moment and the next ridiculing you to the whole web. Buy some Rogaine, take a Dale Carnegie course, and get your life back on track while there’s still time. The Definition of Baud
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/21/2013
What does BAUD mean?
———- from Oliver Boudreaux ofBaton Rouge,La.
It’s a corruption of the French patois for “Bad”, meaning “inferior” or “evil.” Indeed, much of Louisiana can be described as a “Baud” place, running at a very low transfer rate, sometimes as slow as 2 bytes per second. My car once broke down somewhere along the gulf of Mexico and I spent what felt like forty years waiting for parts to arrive at the nearest repair shop. When the mechanics weren’t honking on their accordions, they were banging each other on the head with hammers. Baud. Very baud.
It’s a corruption of the French patois for “Bad”, meaning “inferior” or “evil.” Indeed, much of Louisiana can be described as a “Baud” place, running at a very low transfer rate, sometimes as slow as 2 bytes per second. My car once broke down somewhere along the gulf of Mexico and I spent what felt like forty years waiting for parts to arrive at the nearest repair shop. When the mechanics weren’t honking on their accordions, they were banging each other on the head with hammers. Baud. Very baud.Fingering People on the Internet
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/19/2013
If I finger someone on the Internet will they be insulted or pleased?
———- from Jim Ball ofNew York, NY
It depends on your original intention. Some people are pleased to be insulted. We call them “masochists” and many of them work in our public schools. Other people are so thick-skinned you couldn’t insult them if you tried, even using all your fingers. Likewise, there are those whom you could never please with your fingers – such as an angry spouse, or a resentful former friend to whom you owe money. Really, when you think of it, our fingers aren’t terribly important. Your wallet is much more effective at getting and keeping the attention of others.
It depends on your original intention. Some people are pleased to be insulted. We call them “masochists” and many of them work in our public schools. Other people are so thick-skinned you couldn’t insult them if you tried, even using all your fingers. Likewise, there are those whom you could never please with your fingers – such as an angry spouse, or a resentful former friend to whom you owe money. Really, when you think of it, our fingers aren’t terribly important. Your wallet is much more effective at getting and keeping the attention of others.Your Tax Dollars and the Internet
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/17/2013
If the Internet was made with my tax dollars, why must I pay to use iteach month?
———- from Terrance Borek ofSchenectedy, NY
Any fees you pay for online access are actually donations to a fund to deprogram people brainwashed by non-stop browsing. In fact there’s a secret treatment center hidden in the brown, scrubby hills of Southern California, dedicated to the problem. You’ll end up there eventually if you’re not careful. Some people think the Internet is a conspiracy to enslave the populace, just like fluoride in the drinking water or daytime television. Of course these people are merely deluded. And of course I used your tax dollars when I invented the Internet. I use them to finance all my work.
Any fees you pay for online access are actually donations to a fund to deprogram people brainwashed by non-stop browsing. In fact there’s a secret treatment center hidden in the brown, scrubby hills of Southern California, dedicated to the problem. You’ll end up there eventually if you’re not careful. Some people think the Internet is a conspiracy to enslave the populace, just like fluoride in the drinking water or daytime television. Of course these people are merely deluded. And of course I used your tax dollars when I invented the Internet. I use them to finance all my work.