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Head Bobbing
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/05/2013
I’ve heard that pigeons “bob” their heads when they walk in order to help them see better. Could I expand my vision with a little “head bobbing”?
———- from Sydney Sloan of Mt. Shasta, CA
It depends on the nature of your visual afflictions. If you’re astigmatic, head bobbing only works when you’re upside down. Those who need bifocals can benefit from head bobbing only if they wear extended wear contact lenses and make barking noises with each head bob. Simple nearsightedness is unaffected by head movement, although some who suffer from migraine headaches have noticed that head bobbing makes those headaches worse. Only the farsighted seem to clearly benefit from the procedure, which then implies that they are somehow related to pigeons. Studies are now underway to see if farsighted humans can be taught to fetch french fries from trash cans.
Useless Men’s Ties
Posted by Dr. Science on 06/03/2013
What happens to the all the men’s ties the department store doesn’t sell?
———- from Roger Harding of Rogue River, OR
Many of them are simply exported to third world countries where they’re sold as bandannas. Down thataway people still work for a living, instead of simply shuffling paper in air-conditioned offices. So they need a way to keep the sweat from running into their eyes. Other unsold ties are coated with a stiffener and used as colorful fence posts surrounding government missile ranges. Yes, millions of acres in our Western States are fenced in with unsold department store ties. This collusion between government and the department stores is a little known fact, but is just another way our tax dollars line the pockets of the rich.
Inside a Think Tank
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/31/2013
What, if anything, is inside a think tank?
———- from Dean Cully of Bethel, AK
Most think tanks are slightly larger than your average water heater and can be placed in any room in the house. Since you’re dealing with liquid mental acuity I’d play it safe and call a certified psycho-plumber for the installation. The most important consideration is a fully functioning brain drain. If it’s not installed just right, bad ideas settle to the bottom and eventually all your ideas become bad ones. You lose the capacity for rational thought and eventually become totally delusional. Many a college professor made the mistake of installing his own think tank and the price we all paid was enormous. So do us all a favor and let your fingers do the walking. Stop at “P”, for pyschoplumber.
Animal Husbandry
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/29/2013
Ever since the women’s liberation movement, I haven’t heard much about animal husbandry. Is there a connection here?
———- from Dave Webb of Newburg, OR
Feminism hasn’t made much headway in the animal kingdom. Most four-footed creatures still believe the one who wears the pants calls the shots. Of course, many women secretly believe their husbands are animals, but most of those gals simply tell their friends or therapist and let it go. The typical animal husband is secure in his role. The female praying mantis routinely bites her husband’s head off, but then how many amphibians come home at three in the morning smelling like a brewery, with a strange salamander’s slime on the collar and get decapitated? We simply don’t hear about these episodes, because research isn’t getting done. I don’t know who to blame, but when I find out, I’ll let you know.
Gaining Weight
Posted by Dr. Science on 05/27/2013
How come I gain two pounds after an eight ounce chicken dinner, and I gain five pounds after eating an eight ounce steak?
———- from Min Bin Chang of Ashland, OR
