Sucking Helium

I sucked a helium balloon today. Can you tell me where my booming bass voice went?

———- from Kelly Sulkoff of Detroit

Helium reacts with testosterone to produce nitrous oxide, a hallucinogenic gas commonly known as “laughing gas.” Actually, it dissovles brain cells so it’s no laughting matter for a man to suck on a helium balloon unless he’s in the market for some kind of instant lobotomy. Women who inhale helium tend to become overbearing and authoritative, which puts them in competion for my job — something I deeply resent. My advice is to leave the helium alone and get back to work, my friend.