Occupant Mail
How many trees does it take to make all the occupant mail?
———- from Dan Wilson of MarineonSt. Croix, MN
None. Occupant mail isn’t made of paper; it’s a living creature. In its natural habitat, it lives in the crevices of rocks, but in urban areas, it will nest in a mail slot. The sexes are easy to distinguish; the females are marked “Resident” and lack the distinctive clear plastic address window. If left undisturbed, they multiply rapidly, which is why your mail box is packed with “Occupant” mail when you return from vacation. Unfortunately, the diet of these pests consists mainly of letters from old lovers who have had a change or heart and suddenly want to see you again just to tell you how great you are. If you’re not getting these letters, it’s probably due to a glut of occupant mail.
None. Occupant mail isn’t made of paper; it’s a living creature. In its natural habitat, it lives in the crevices of rocks, but in urban areas, it will nest in a mail slot. The sexes are easy to distinguish; the females are marked “Resident” and lack the distinctive clear plastic address window. If left undisturbed, they multiply rapidly, which is why your mail box is packed with “Occupant” mail when you return from vacation. Unfortunately, the diet of these pests consists mainly of letters from old lovers who have had a change or heart and suddenly want to see you again just to tell you how great you are. If you’re not getting these letters, it’s probably due to a glut of occupant mail. 